The end of 2011

"Life is difficult."

Always remember that. Nobody said it was gonna be easy. And after acknowledging this fact, we will all be able to live life with a lot lesser complains.

2011 is coming to an end. 22 years of my life has passed me by. That's a long time. I guess I only have around 40 years or lesser number of years left on Earth. I've always asked myself, what's the point of me being alive? In this short 40 years, what can I do to change the world at least by a little, to show that there really was a point in me being alive? I guess these questions are up to individuals to answer. There's no single correct answer for it. Maybe the point of us being alive, is to help everyone around us live their lives a little better.

This past year has taught me a lot. I think it's the year my life started to really be in my own hands. I was in complete control of what I spend every minute and second of my life doing. I admit I didn't make good decisions. In fact I often regret the decisions I've made. I make the same mistakes over and over again, until I start to learn it the hard way.

I need my life to be a lot closer to what I want it to be. I need to focus more on what really matters. I don't think fun is really that important to me anymore. Yes I will still be having a little fun, but I need to do things that are a lot more meaningful. Like, volunteer on a regular basis, go backpacking more often. Drink and party a lot lesser. Write more. Play more music. Read more. Spend more time with my family. Help them run more errands to make their lives more convenient. Study harder.

Be good. Learn to be more of a perfectionist. Live and let live.

I wanna say, at the end of 2012, that I've come a whole lot closer to living the type of life I want.

i dont discriminate the crazy, those people whom are different, because God knows we are all a little crazy inside.

Especially myself.

Recently I've been feeling like I wanna disappear from the face of Earth. I don't deserve anything I'm given. I don't deserve the people around me. I'm selfish, egoistic and arrogant.

I don't want to be myself.

And I'm troubled. Because I still have to be me for the rest of my life. Is my existence a mistake? What difference have I made in this world? What have I done for my family and closest friends? Or even the people in need?

I see life as a constant struggle. And I feel tired. Maybe I've got all my priorities wrong. It's time to rethink my life and what I really want.

But every time I wanna do something, the loneliness inside me creeps up unknowingly. It makes me feel so alone, and so empty.

It makes me unable to concentrate on anything, except to make this feeling go away.

Life

School has been great but work has been tiring. It's easier to forget your problems when you are so fucking busy. Everyday is like a 10km marathon. I sprint from home to school to work and back home. There's not enough time to rest but somehow, like Deepak Chopra said, our bodies are different from machines. Machines wear out over time if you use them constantly but the human body builds muscles. We'll just get stronger.

Perhaps our hearts work this way. The more heartbreaks we suffer, the stronger they will become. But even machines have an expiry date. Too many heartbreaks might leave us too deeply wounded to love again.

Have still been partying much. Noticed that people usually want to club when they are heartbroken. Are clubs really just full of lonely people dancing in loud music, clouding their minds with alcohol so that they can pretend to be perfectly happy?

I have an amazing ability to get over things. Let me move from A to B to C......

Genting, Malaysia

I'm on my way to Genting with a bunch of friends. Right now, we are sitting in our individual seats watching movies from our personal screens. There's only about 2 hours left to this journey. It's 12 in the afternoon and the sun is shining brightly.

I've just finished watching Eat Pray Love the second time. It was the only movie that got my interest among the entire collection... After watching it all over again, I think I love it even more because this time round I took note of details that I missed out the previous time. I love the movie, the storyline, the beautiful narration and the meaning of life it tries to bring across to the audience.

It made me remember how much I love traveling and how alive it always makes me feel. I stare out of the window and see the unfamiliar trees and highways before me, and realised that I've forgot how I've told myself that I am always going to explore the world and explore life. I think I am the type of person who sits on the border of the world, who watches instead of take part in living a normal life. I refuse to conform to the traditional way of finding love and happiness.

What I want in life is fire, passion and experience - I want to love, hate, cry, laugh and LIVE.

I made such a grave mistake.

but FUCK YOU.

I'll be better off without you.

it has been hard trying to admit that i have issues with you. many years ago we used to be close, we used to spend a lot of time together talking and laughing. but still, we never had the kind of relationship that made me feel like you cared a lot and was always there for me... the things that i wanted you to care about: academically, etc, you never did and yet you were always overly concerned about my private life... you violated my privacy, made endless assumptions and said hurtful things to me...

i hope you know one day how damaging you have been... instead of giving in to the kind of effects all these have, im gonna live well, im gonna be so much better and totally different from you.

i have to stop being this depressed and bitter girl and start looking towards the future and the good things ahead. believe in myself once again and prove those who've stopped believing or giving me chances wrong.

i'll be strong!