春風沉醉的晚上

Right now I am feeling totally depressed. Honestly, I am totally lost. I don't know how and where to start picking up the pieces...

I miss flying, I miss studying... I miss working. Or doing anything that is useful. But yet I don't feel like doing anything. Can I have a little more time? Can God work His way into my heart and talk to me? Please tell me what should be my next step in life...

Instead of the Laos trip, I went from SIN to Surabaya to Bali with Mya. It was a good trip but honestly, a wasted trip as well because I did not get to spend anytime alone. I did not get to think. Believe it or not, I didn't take photos of the place. Most of the time I was on the back of the bike, trying to take in Bali's tourists infested areas and noisiness. Occasionally I was lucky enough to enjoy the peacefulness of a lake or top of a mountain.

Im depressed but still not feeling suicidal YET. Please point to me the direction I should be heading. I need help......

I'm starting to think that my brain is failing because I seem to be distracted all the time, I could forget something someone told me in the next second... Maybe there are way too many details to remember. After all, it's 21 years of information.

I'm afraid of time, afraid of growing up MORE, ......

Just afraid.

I can cry like 20 times a day.

*

"自殺！我有勇氣，早就干了。現在還能想到這兩個字，足證我的志氣還沒有 完全消磨盡哩！

我想了許多零亂斷續的思想，終究沒有一個好法子，可以救我出目下的窮狀來。 聽見工廠的汽笛，好像在報十二點鐘了，我就站了起來，換上了白天那件破棉袍子， 仍復吹熄了蠟燭，走出外面去散步去。

　　貧民窟裡的人已經睡眠靜了。對面日新裡的一排臨鄧脫路的洋樓裡，還有幾家 點著了紅綠的電燈，在那裡彈罷拉拉衣加。一聲二聲清脆的歌音，帶著哀調，從靜 寂的深夜的冷空氣裡傳到我的耳膜上來，這大約是俄國的飄泊的少女，在那裡賣錢 的歌唱。天上罩滿了灰白的薄雲，同腐爛的屍體似的沉沉的蓋在那裡。雲層破處也 能看得出一點兩點星來，但星的近處，黝黝看得出來的天色，好像有無限的哀愁蘊 藏著的樣子。 "

Stop floating; start living

Sitting in the front porch of my house typing on my computer. Woke up really early today and had a quick swim. Now, all I can hear is the occasional car passing by and birds chirping somewhere far away. It's quite peaceful.

I feel a little sad inside; a little lost. I'm not sure what's the meaning of my life. I'm upset because I cannot get what I want (again). It is hard for me to see something I like. Everything in life seems to be so-so. But once I do, usually it is something really difficult to obtain... Just like you. Sometimes you know you should give up. But sometimes you know you shouldn't.

I feel sad also because I'm not that sure whether it's possible for me to go on that trip anymore. I really want to, but friends and family have been warning me about disasters and bad weather conditions ever since they learnt that I was going to go. So now I'm slightly hesitant. Will update whether I'm still going.

For now I'm going to enjoy hanging out with my friends and most of the time, solitude in my room. I'm running out of shows to watch! GR.

I don't want to settle for less than what I want!

Singapore to Laos / Overland

Today, I was lying in bed in the precious rainy evening when I had the idea to go for an overland trip from Singapore to Laos all alone. I have a burning desire to make my life exciting and meaningful, and so when things become dull, I usually panick and feel lost.

I just came back not long ago from a job in the Middleast, thinking that I would find all my answers back home. When what I've put all my hopes on came cumbling down, I re-thought my decisions in life.

I'm going to do some serious backpacking; taking trains, buses, bicycles, staying in budget hostels, etc. It's going to be a soul-searching journey. I want to learn more about myself and the world. I want to step out of my comfort zone. I want to feel absolute freedom again.

The journey will start one week from now and will last one month. I plan to spend as little as possible; just enough to survive. I believe this will be a life-changing experience, and one more tick on "Things to do before I die".

=)