Letter for myself III : It's harder than you think To live with this sadness That creeps up my spine And haunts me through the night

Rome, Italy
Summer

Dear Me,

First thing first, I think I am addicted to beer. I am sitting in a small outdoor cafe in the hidden corners of Rome, drinking beer. I love how it feels when that cold, fizzy but slightly bitter taste goes down my throat. I want to drink so much that I feel dizzy about life...

There are not many people in the cafe. Only one or two tables are occupied. I'm sitting under white canvases supported by wooden stands, with green plants all around. A handsome italian waiter is serving the customers. I am thinking about the things that happen in a cafe: meaningful conversations, important words exchanged, romantic first dates, reunions...

A dog is walking past me. I have a basket of bread and an ashtray on my table. Two musicians are sitting behind me. They played a song for me moments ago... It's 'americano' they said. Refering to the fact that what they played was in english. It's funny how the Italians tend to add an 'o' behind every word when they try to speak in english.

I feel peaceful, safe. Time passes slowly in this little space that knows nothing about the crowded streets outside. An ocassional car or motorbike drives pass. For a moment, it's as if only good things exist in this world...

I don't know why I want someone by my side so badly, but ironically, when I am among people, it sometimes becomes unbearable. I just want someone whom I don't have to pretend around, someone who makes me feel comfortable... Someone who cares.

It's funny. When you realise that nobody really cares or even think about you in this world, your heart sinks and you've never felt more lonely. But you continue living with this knowledge and as you handle every disappointment, you become more numb and stronger at the same time... You learn to love yourself more.

I always thought of myself as a lucky person. Everytime something bad happens, I would close my eyes, count to 3, and pray that things miraculously put themselves into place. Usually they do. The first time I ever realised that some losses are irreversible is when I lost my dog... It was a moment of carelessness but I could never bring him back again. He's gone and will be gone forever. No matter how much I miss him, I will not be able to get him back...

I still live carelessly day by day. It would be too difficult to live cautiously all the time. All I have to do is learn how to block emotions from entering my heart. I guess, this is life.

But I don't want to be numb! I want to live. I want to love more, cry more, feel more and laugh more. I want to feel the extremities of life. I want to vary between happiness and unhappiness, to feel the danger and experience the feeling of security at the same time... Because I know I will find myself somewhere in between.

I want to learn how to handle danger.

I don't want to be afraid to get my heart broken...

Love,
Me