it has been hard trying to admit that i have issues with you. many years ago we used to be close, we used to spend a lot of time together talking and laughing. but still, we never had the kind of relationship that made me feel like you cared a lot and was always there for me... the things that i wanted you to care about: academically, etc, you never did and yet you were always overly concerned about my private life... you violated my privacy, made endless assumptions and said hurtful things to me...

i hope you know one day how damaging you have been... instead of giving in to the kind of effects all these have, im gonna live well, im gonna be so much better and totally different from you.

i have to stop being this depressed and bitter girl and start looking towards the future and the good things ahead. believe in myself once again and prove those who've stopped believing or giving me chances wrong.

i'll be strong!

I hate to be treated this way. Do I really deserve this?

Letter for myself

Dear Me,

I know that no matter how hard you try, you still cannot push your ego aside. You continue pretending to be happy and unaffected, but in fact you wanna push away the people who don't believe in you so bad.

You want something so badly, you know you should be having positive thoughts so that positive things can happen, but you cannot help but feel so damn terrible, lost, and afraid. You're afraid of the day when you really have to give up.

Is there something wrong with me?

Why do I not think that money is the most important thing in the world? Why do I know that secretly, deep down inside, career is nothing to me but an empty shell?

What I really want is to LIVE. To live life in an amazing way, in a way nobody have ever lived? All I want to do is to be like a HOBO, to travel around the poor countries with a backpack, do volunteer walk and sleep by the streets. All I want to do is smile and be happy and meet different people everyday. I wanna feel loneliness and emptiness so that I'm able to feel alive.

Why can't I just want the same things as everyone else?

Courage

I had a friend who once told me that she only likes and will fall in love with someone who does everything for her. The kind who, despite any obstacles, get her things done for her and treats her like a princess. I used to not understand that but now I think I do.

When a person behaves that way, it shows how much he/she cares or likes you.

However, it is also a sign of insecurity on our part, if we only choos those who are by default good to us. It shows a lack of confidence and courage. The lack of courage to fight for what you want, and instead, just settle for what you can get and what is put in front of you.

I don’t want to settle for less than what I deserve. I wanna fight for what I want but I admit - I lack the courage to put myself in the risk of being rejected.

Luck

Honestly, if I'm not there and you don't even care, I don't see why I ever mattered to you.

Anyway my life is getting better by the minute. I hope. Praying damn hard to God and hoping that he would put luck on my side. I've tried my best and all I can do now is submit a nice photo, cross my fingers and hope that I would receive that email that would change my life. PLEASE.

Hello new friends. You guys are so awesome. I look forward to our awesome friendship and this time I'll do things right. xoxo

Friendship?

Its 5.41am in the morning & I can't sleep. Was supposed to wake up for something important in 29 minutes' time but now I'm just going to attend it like a panda.

Just feeling so fucking disappointed in someone. Someone I thought I would be best friends with all my life. Yes, we've had our differences, and we've been fighting more than ever these days. But never once have I thought of deleting you from my life. I've deleted countless people from my life and it's only because they don't mean a thing and I no longer want them there. Maybe it's the same way for you. And you actually said you should have done it a long time ago. Never did realise that our friendship was so difficult and meaningless to you.

Maybe some of you were right. I'm not a guy and never will be. No matter how much we enjoy our time together and have in common, we'll never be the kind of real best friends that real best friends could be. Maybe it's all superficial. Maybe we've all been wasting time building something that was going to die off eventually anyway. Maybe it's good that this is happening now so we won't waste more time. And maybe really, friendship is just a temporary phase in everyone's life.

I fucking wanna laugh at the statement "we dont need to have a lot of friends, just one or two real ones.' ITS SUCH A FUCKING JOKE.

I'm lying alone with my head on the floor; thinking of you till it hurts

Heard this song in one of the mixed tapes I found on the car. So amazingly good.

It might just be because I want something I cannot get.

Surround yourself with positive energy...

The way to do that is to involve yourself with the people, places and things that make you happy. Positive energy expands and grows stronger when you feed it with happy thoughts, affirmations, and the knowledge that you deserve good things in your life. And, when you are beaming with love and joy, you are radiant, and you attract even greater love and joy. Empower yourself in this way, and the world will be yours. Do it on an ongoing basis, and you will be unstoppable.

- Aries horoscope

I want you closer; I don't know what to do.

A good friend made me a mixed tape 10 years ago. I've always loved this song and found it so heartbreakingly beautiful but couldn't find the title. A few days ago, I found the old mixed tape in the stack of CDs in my car. Googled the lyrics and I finally found this song. Still love it like how I loved it the first time I heard it.



i'm tired of closing
my eyes without u
i want u closer
i don't know what to do
i see it come
i can't turn away
i'll never let u
let u go away

I make my mind up
i'd taste the love i know the game
don't wanna lose ya
don't wanna lose ya
and i never wanna let u go

everything u do commands me to stay
it's the hardest thing i'd ever have to say
cos i know that i feel light years away
everything u do now
everything commands me to stay

you're all that matters
matters to me
you're all i want now
how could i let it be
whatever happens
i'll be in ur eyes
i'll take it bck and
give it all inside

I make my mind up
i'd taste the love i know the game
d'ont wanna lose it
dun wanna lose ya
and i never wanna let u go

everything u do commands me to stay
it's the hardest thing i'd ever have to say
cos i know that i feel light years away
everything u do now
everything commands me to stay

Would just like to say...

You're such an amazing person. & you spread your positive attitude to the people around you. I know it doesn't even matter. I'll never be good enough.

I think I'm going to start changing friends. No more young friends. Maximum -1years old from my age. And also, only cheerful, positive and slightly mature people allowed. One important criteria: they must also know how to enjoy and have fun!

Woo! <3