I think I understand that now.
Dear friend, don't you know that pretending to not care is the only way I can pretend I'm strong and that I'm okay? I don't know whether it's a good thing. I'm so afraid that I'll get hurt, and so I block emotions and thoughts from happening. I don't even want to think about it.
I'm afraid I have too many dirty secrets. I'm afraid to open that part of me that decided to not care.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Letter to myself: Wake up; open your eyes
Life has been good. Somehow, something cracked my vision and allowed light to come in. I am now awake, and understand the reasons behind my unhappiness the past few months.
I realised that I was struggling to adjust back to life in Singapore. I was afraid that life wouldn't be as exciting as I want it to be. So I indulge myself in everything that I thought would make my life exciting: parties, booze, late nights, people who were bad for me.
In the process of wanting so much; I've actually lost many things that meant something to me. I drifted away from my family, I made my friends worry about the life I was leading, and I hurt someone very important to me.
Somewhere along the way, I realised I have lost everything, and when I look at what I was left with, they were all things that mean nothing to me.
And so I decided to wake up. To become closer to my family, to be the good person my friends knew me as before, and to slowly make up to that important person in my life. Or perhaps I would just disappear in that person's life so that his/her life could be good forever.
I feel myself back on track again. I'm glad that stupid rebellious period of time is gone. I don't regret having done anything, but I know I've wasted lots of precious time on the wrong people who are totally not worth it. Will open my eyes bigger this time.
Till then,
Me
I realised that I was struggling to adjust back to life in Singapore. I was afraid that life wouldn't be as exciting as I want it to be. So I indulge myself in everything that I thought would make my life exciting: parties, booze, late nights, people who were bad for me.
In the process of wanting so much; I've actually lost many things that meant something to me. I drifted away from my family, I made my friends worry about the life I was leading, and I hurt someone very important to me.
Somewhere along the way, I realised I have lost everything, and when I look at what I was left with, they were all things that mean nothing to me.
And so I decided to wake up. To become closer to my family, to be the good person my friends knew me as before, and to slowly make up to that important person in my life. Or perhaps I would just disappear in that person's life so that his/her life could be good forever.
I feel myself back on track again. I'm glad that stupid rebellious period of time is gone. I don't regret having done anything, but I know I've wasted lots of precious time on the wrong people who are totally not worth it. Will open my eyes bigger this time.
Till then,
Me
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Unexplained loneliness
Sometimes the strange feeling just comes into me. I wish it was unexplained. To be honest I know exactly why I'm feeling this way.
Without you I am floating, insecure, and exposed to the whole world.
Without you I am floating, insecure, and exposed to the whole world.
空隙 Vent
我這麼幸福
沒任何權利不滿足
我說不出
怎麼敢埋怨那不存在的苦
活像一個湖
沒有起也沒有伏
我說不出
這到底可以算是禍還是福
該怎麼形容
(心)像一個球又像一個洞
它越大越滿卻越空
剩一點力氣
一點勇氣
來面對孤寂
相信自己還有放棄的能力
要一點力氣
一點勇氣
心裡的空隙 不斷壓抑
無論跟誰在不在一起
都只有自己
(要一點力氣一點勇氣
心裡的空隙 不能壓抑
何必為了一起而一起
我對我心裡的空隙無能為力)
Sunday, January 9, 2011
The best things happen when you're 21
2010 has been too awesome. It's way different from any other years in my life.
Struggled. Worked. Lived overseas. Earned money. Travelled. Knew friends from all over the world. Sat down by the streets in cold weather and drank beer. Took photos. Wrote alot. Met my one great love and lost it. Went to the dessert. Partied almost everyday (I'm serious). Fell in love with cold beer and that slightly dizzy feeling. Met handsome italian waiter and awesome musicians in Rome. Had a great first lesbian experience. Understand my limits and how far I can go. Have deeper relationships with friends. Had great conversations, great dinners. Did not learn how to let go. Laughed alot. Cried alot.
In conclusion, it's so fucking exciting I myself couldn't believe it. I think it was well-spent. And I am determined to make 2011 even better. There are more things that I haven't explored and learnt.
I want to step WAY out of my comfort zone this year. I want to try more new things. I want to find God. I want to put myself out there. I want to be confident. And I almost. Never want to see you again.
Struggled. Worked. Lived overseas. Earned money. Travelled. Knew friends from all over the world. Sat down by the streets in cold weather and drank beer. Took photos. Wrote alot. Met my one great love and lost it. Went to the dessert. Partied almost everyday (I'm serious). Fell in love with cold beer and that slightly dizzy feeling. Met handsome italian waiter and awesome musicians in Rome. Had a great first lesbian experience. Understand my limits and how far I can go. Have deeper relationships with friends. Had great conversations, great dinners. Did not learn how to let go. Laughed alot. Cried alot.
In conclusion, it's so fucking exciting I myself couldn't believe it. I think it was well-spent. And I am determined to make 2011 even better. There are more things that I haven't explored and learnt.
I want to step WAY out of my comfort zone this year. I want to try more new things. I want to find God. I want to put myself out there. I want to be confident. And I almost. Never want to see you again.
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