Rome iii

I was walking along the streets, away from the Colosseum, the place where the Italians used to watch their warriors fight each other - when I heard someone speaking to me in Italian. I turned my head. It was a short italian manm around 5"8". He had sandy brown hair and wore glasses. He was wearing a blue shirt, bermudas and shoes. Very italian. He had a good face, but was slightly chubby.

I shook my head, indicating that I do not speak italian, and smiled.

"Are you just a beautiful girl, or are you funny and intelligent as well?", he asked in a strong italian accent.

I kept quiet.

"In Italy, when someone says that to you, you would have to say something about the other person."

I just smiled and kept smiling. I decided that perhaps I could give him five or ten minutes of my time. I allowed him to fall in steps with me. We walked along the busy streets packed with tourists and italian lovers. Everywhere, people were snapping photographs, laughing, holding hands, kissing...

"I lived in Milano for 8 years and now I'm in Roma. Today is my day off so here I am, taking a walk around town. Roma is just so good for living..."

He took me to the top of one of the most famous museums in Rome. We were looking at the entire central Rome... and it's beautiful. Buildings. Narrow walkways. Trees.

"Roma has beautiful and strong achitecture. It's supposed to signify the beautiful and strong hearts of italian men. But these days, the women are just as strong as men..."

He smiled.

We went down and I thanked him for the tour. We parted ways.

爱的代价 - 张艾嘉

Love

I dont mean to be cheesy; talking about love. But I just had a few thoughts about it.

After ending my two-years relationship, I told myself I never want to be in a relationship again. Because career, studies and everything else should come first before love. I've never been the kind of person who thinks that falling in love would mean that nothing else matters anymore and that love triumphs everything. I think that love stands in the way of things.

I am often confused, impulsive and stupid. I impose my neediness on people when I feel lost and empty. I rush into things and then find out that it might not be what I want.

But now I don't want things to be complicated anymore. I don't want to be stupid. I want to take it slow. Less is more. More becomes nothing.

Let's let nature take its course. We'll see. : )

春風沉醉的晚上

Right now I am feeling totally depressed. Honestly, I am totally lost. I don't know how and where to start picking up the pieces...

I miss flying, I miss studying... I miss working. Or doing anything that is useful. But yet I don't feel like doing anything. Can I have a little more time? Can God work His way into my heart and talk to me? Please tell me what should be my next step in life...

Instead of the Laos trip, I went from SIN to Surabaya to Bali with Mya. It was a good trip but honestly, a wasted trip as well because I did not get to spend anytime alone. I did not get to think. Believe it or not, I didn't take photos of the place. Most of the time I was on the back of the bike, trying to take in Bali's tourists infested areas and noisiness. Occasionally I was lucky enough to enjoy the peacefulness of a lake or top of a mountain.

Im depressed but still not feeling suicidal YET. Please point to me the direction I should be heading. I need help......

I'm starting to think that my brain is failing because I seem to be distracted all the time, I could forget something someone told me in the next second... Maybe there are way too many details to remember. After all, it's 21 years of information.

I'm afraid of time, afraid of growing up MORE, ......

Just afraid.

I can cry like 20 times a day.

*

"自殺！我有勇氣，早就干了。現在還能想到這兩個字，足證我的志氣還沒有 完全消磨盡哩！

我想了許多零亂斷續的思想，終究沒有一個好法子，可以救我出目下的窮狀來。 聽見工廠的汽笛，好像在報十二點鐘了，我就站了起來，換上了白天那件破棉袍子， 仍復吹熄了蠟燭，走出外面去散步去。

　　貧民窟裡的人已經睡眠靜了。對面日新裡的一排臨鄧脫路的洋樓裡，還有幾家 點著了紅綠的電燈，在那裡彈罷拉拉衣加。一聲二聲清脆的歌音，帶著哀調，從靜 寂的深夜的冷空氣裡傳到我的耳膜上來，這大約是俄國的飄泊的少女，在那裡賣錢 的歌唱。天上罩滿了灰白的薄雲，同腐爛的屍體似的沉沉的蓋在那裡。雲層破處也 能看得出一點兩點星來，但星的近處，黝黝看得出來的天色，好像有無限的哀愁蘊 藏著的樣子。 "

Stop floating; start living

Sitting in the front porch of my house typing on my computer. Woke up really early today and had a quick swim. Now, all I can hear is the occasional car passing by and birds chirping somewhere far away. It's quite peaceful.

I feel a little sad inside; a little lost. I'm not sure what's the meaning of my life. I'm upset because I cannot get what I want (again). It is hard for me to see something I like. Everything in life seems to be so-so. But once I do, usually it is something really difficult to obtain... Just like you. Sometimes you know you should give up. But sometimes you know you shouldn't.

I feel sad also because I'm not that sure whether it's possible for me to go on that trip anymore. I really want to, but friends and family have been warning me about disasters and bad weather conditions ever since they learnt that I was going to go. So now I'm slightly hesitant. Will update whether I'm still going.

For now I'm going to enjoy hanging out with my friends and most of the time, solitude in my room. I'm running out of shows to watch! GR.

I don't want to settle for less than what I want!

Singapore to Laos / Overland

Today, I was lying in bed in the precious rainy evening when I had the idea to go for an overland trip from Singapore to Laos all alone. I have a burning desire to make my life exciting and meaningful, and so when things become dull, I usually panick and feel lost.

I just came back not long ago from a job in the Middleast, thinking that I would find all my answers back home. When what I've put all my hopes on came cumbling down, I re-thought my decisions in life.

I'm going to do some serious backpacking; taking trains, buses, bicycles, staying in budget hostels, etc. It's going to be a soul-searching journey. I want to learn more about myself and the world. I want to step out of my comfort zone. I want to feel absolute freedom again.

The journey will start one week from now and will last one month. I plan to spend as little as possible; just enough to survive. I believe this will be a life-changing experience, and one more tick on "Things to do before I die".

=)

My last layover: Frankfurt, Germany

It was my last layover as a cabin crew of QR.

Some people say that Frankfurt cannot be compared to other cities in Germany like Munich, or Berlin, in terms of architecture, entertainment, etc. But I found beauty in it as well.

It was raining when we landed in the morning. Instead of sleeping, I had a wonderful breakfast buffet in the hotel and took a small walk. Went back to the extremely tiny hotel room and slept a little, then took a train to town. Met extremely helpful Germans who helped me find my way around Germany's slightly confusing transport system. They just came back from Spain. Would have asked them to join me for a nice drink if they weren't carrying extremely huge luggages.

Took quite a long walk from the central station... until I reached this area where people were playing life music. Bought potatoes, sausages and beer and sat down in a corner eating happily. Met a Hongkong guy who was travelling around Europe for a month or so. Then I went to another restaurant alone and ordered food just for the sake of spending more time in the city. It was way, way too cold.

The next day, I took an express train by mistake and ended up in a small town. Sat outdoors, looking at birds fly by, typing on my iPad, sipping cafe latte and eating a sandwich.

It was so good.

I knew that my wonderful lifestyle would be ending very soon but I was looking for more. & it was time to go and continue my search for that something extra in life.

Casablanca: dusty city + good african beer

Sealine, Desert, Qatar

It was 3am when I arrived. It was dark... I could hardly see anything. The only thing that helped me see were lights coming from the car we drove there. The sand was cold... Really cold. There were many stars in the sky. We took a mat, lay down, and just listen to good old Damien Rice songs. 2 hours later, the sun rose behind the sand in the air. When it was bright and there was cold morning air, we went into the vast, clear sea and soak ourselves...

After that, shivering from the cold, we drove out of the desert to go home and stopped for coffee and breakfast on the way. Everyone had woken up & the roads were full of cars; people rushing to work, people going home in the morning.

Couldn't help but to be amazed at how life good is.

Rome; wonderful weather, narrow streets, huge trees and strong buildings...

Relationships

After a person has been in your life for a good amount of time, it's impossible to treat them as just a passerby anymore. You loved, you hated, and now... how is it possible to just stay neutral?

You know you are not good for each other, you know that it's just a bad, bad habit... And so the feeling of seeing that person after a long long time, the familiar feeling of wanting to be with him/her all the time again scares you. No way are you falling into that deep black hole again, where you were blinded by your love for him/her.

You don't want to lose... but is it really that important to win, anyway?

Letter for myself: And so it is, just like you said it would be...

Dear me,

It's the middle of the night, one week after I've left Doha. I'm sitting in my room, in the dark, at 4am in the morning, in Singapore, Singapore. It's funny how things took an unexpected turn and I end up where I am right here at this moment... with a snap of fingers. Coming home was the right decision that I've made... & I also realised that Doha has changed me in a way that cannot be reversed anymore.

It's not that I don't care. Somehow I feel like I'm just someone sitting in the middle of the world, pretending to know what I'm doing by saying that I don't care. There are too many things to care about, too many opinions to listen to. I feel like my mind is swimming with words and scenes and I become confused. The line between right and wrong is becoming blury and I don't really know where is it anymore.

People who are like poison and people who are good for me: which ones are which? Am I pushing the right ones away and going closer to the wrong ones? Can someone be poisonous but good for me at the same time?

Once again I stand at the crossroads of my life. I want my life to be magnificant... I want it too badly. And I need to find out WHAT exactly makes a life magnificant.

We learn new things about each other everyday. Can you still recognise yourself when you look into the mirror today?

Love,
Ven

Letter for myself

Doha, Qatar
Autumn
11/10/2010

I am sitting in an Arabic cafe, smoking sheesha, eating great food and spending quality time with my amazing friends. In exactly 2 days, my journey in Doha is going to end. All good things come to an end, and I've got my happy ending. It is time for a new beginning. An even more awesome life.

Throughout my stay in Doha, I've met so many amazing people who taught me about life, love, friendship and myself. I've also been educated about language, culture and people. This experience will always be part of my life, a period of time when I will always look back and miss.

I've grown stronger, and I am going to return home as a changed person. In this 6 months Ive had the craziest fun, but at the same time I've also experinced infinite confusion and loneliness. But cracks in the heart are good, because they allow light to come in.

I have found a type of happiness that cannot be put into words.

As Elizabeth Gilbert said,

"Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it."

Moving away from a place where I've familiarized myself with is challenging, but sometimes it's change that allows transformation and growth. Doha has become my whole life, but now, I am finally returning to my real home.

Until then,
Me

Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia (again)

I was sitting in the hotel lobby in Kuala Lumpur 2 days ago, listening to sweet music played on the grand piano and the sad but distant voice of the musician... Life is beautiful. Like the taste of the hot tea when it touches my tongue, sweet music like that floating in the air, and in the midst all this, writing a postcard to a very good friend of mine to show how much I love him/her...

To be honest I never knew I would ever had that kind of feeling in Malaysia. I never knew I could love that place this much. But now I realised that it's the closest to home I could get... And I appreciated it. I felt like I was staring at the same sky as my family and friends back home, and finally we have the same time-zone again. That I was feeling sleepy at the same time as they did, and we shared the same morning Sun...

I know I am going to have a good sleep tonight because I am happy recently. Hope this lasts... : )

A whole big mess

Everything's in a mess - my room, my house, my relationships with people, my mind.

It's my fault really, and don't you think it's time to clean up before you go?

Expendable

1. (of an object) Designed to be used only once and then abandoned or destroyed.

2. Of little significance when compared to an overall purpose, and therefore able to be abandoned.

It's the perfect word to describe how I feel sometimes.

How come words become the most hurtful when it might be true? And it's not what you want yourself to be... And you think to yourself "How dare you!" when someone throws those words in your face.

How come it is so easy to hurt people, to be inconsiderate, selfish... But it's so difficult to be good?

How come it is so difficult to get that one thing you wish for... But so easy to get a million other things you don't care about?

How come everything in life needs our time and effort to maintain...

How come life is like a never ending ferris wheel that goes round and round and never stops?

Maldives

Maldives was paradise. It was a much needed vacation! I really didn't want to come back, just wanted to stay there and lie in the Sun all day and get all toasted...

One boat, one sunset, one deep blue ocean and one nostalgic Michael Jackson song later, I got all teary... I sat at the front deck and look as the boat drives on... I realised how lucky I was and how well I was living my life... & I was just there by chance. God is kind to me. It was so, so beautiful.

I thought of how life is like the ocean. Vast, deep, mysterious, with no bounderies... And how living life was like driving a boat. The ocean has no front or back... Just because we are driving forward it doesn't mean that we are actually progressing because there is no direction in the sea!

Once in a while we can put the boat on full speed and feel the strong wind hit us on our face. The feeling of adrenaline... But after some time you realised that you cannot hear well, have no lasting impression of anything you've seen... It's only when you slow down then you would hear the sound of the waves crashing against huge rocks and the beautiful sun that is setting right in front of you...

It is so much like life. When the pace is too fast, sometimes we forget to appreciate the small things in life that makes it so beautiful. But if it is slow all the time, it becomes boring.

Life should always have a balance of things and that's why God gave us ups and downs, pleasure and pain, love and hate... God has decided to put everything together so that nothing is lonely in this world. There are always opposites of everything and things that comes with other things. This is why nobody should grow old alone, we should all look for someone whom we want to spend our life with...

I wanna go back to Maldives...

Colombo, Sri Lanka

Didn't bring my camera again, so I don't have any photos of the place...

Flew with Bo over there, we went for seafood by the beach. The food wasn't perfect but I guess the combination of everything made me remember the food as it was perfect. : ) Cloudy skies, sri lankan people soaking in the sea, huge waves, tables and chairs and lots of sand...

Going to Maldives tonight, I'm VERY excited! Hello to new perspective again... Hope I won't get so BLACK this time! Want to drink a lot + do snoggling : )

New experiences

I always love doing crazy things, meeting new people with interesting stories... I did some crazy shit recently and just started thinking... Does it matter whether or not the experience was good and is there any point in regretting your actions? Maybe it is just good that we did something new and added a new experience which in some ways changes us as a person, the way we think, etc...

Someone once told me experiences are what make us who we are.

Life is not 100% perfect all the time.

Sometimes I wish my brain can just shut up and stop working. On the other hand, it is my brain which makes every great experience even greater because I enjoy and think about all the small things involved. But it also means my pain is greater...

At this very moment I wanna leap forward and pack my bags and go home, return to a place where things are normal, where days are days and nights are nights, where people are genuine. It's like I don't want to fly, I don't want to do a fucking thing except sleep more than 24 hours... It's like Doha has reached it's expiry date.

But really, this is my favorite song on Earth right now, it is so fucking wonderful.

9 crimes - Damien Rice & Lisa Hannigan



Leave me out with the waste, this is not what I do
It's the wrong kind of place to be thinking of you
It's the wrong time for somebody new
It's a small crime and I got no excuse
And is that all right, yeah?
I give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that all right, yeah?
If you don't shoot it how am I supposed to hold it?
Is that all right, yeah?
I give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that all right, yeah, with you?
Leave me out with the waste, this is not what I do
It's the wrong kind of place to be cheating on you
It's the wrong time she's pulling me through
It's a small crime and I got no excuse
And is that all right, yeah?
If I give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that all right, yeah?
If you don't shoot it, how am I supposed to hold it?
Is that all right, yeah?
I give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that all right?
Is that all right with you?
Is that all right, yeah?
If I give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that all right, yeah?
If you don't shoot it, how am I supposed to hold it?
Is that all right, yeah?
I give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that all right?
Is that all right with you?
And is that all right, yeah?
Is that all right?
Is that all right?
Is that all right with you?
No?

I will never win

What I hate the most: working hard for something I want. Because I've tried so many times and I've always failed. Is it because I don't have what it takes? Is it because I'm not good enough? Again, and again... I get disappointed. I didnt expect much but I didnt even get the bare minimum.

What I realised is that what I want never comes to me even if I try... But when I care or don't bother, they appear.

I should chill, shut up, stop trying, stop fighting...

Eye surgery

I walked into the clinic alone, thinking that I would be okay. But once the doctor injected into my eye, I panicked. All I wanted to do was to run away, but I knew I was trapped. I never felt more alone in the world. At that moment, I wish I had a hand to hold; I thought of my mother, and I missed her...

I felt overwhelmed with emotions, lying on the surgery chair. I felt scared, helpless, and vulnerable.

I realised how sad I actually am, and I had never really cried ever since I came here, and that was the breaking point. I felt sad because I realised I had no idea how to take good care of myself, and that I was just a kid who's trying to pretend that she knows everything. That my heart is broken, and will always be broken again, and again. I realised how pathetic I was, always desperately looking for somebody to be close to me, but never succeeded. And that I will never find that person. How I always expect too much out of people, yet I never do much for them. How I always care about the wrong people. How I always try to act like I dont care when I do, and end up losing people I care about...

That I humiliated the person I was with for 2 and a half years, ended without a word of appreciation. And now I miss him so much, but he doesn't even want to reply my emails.

I realised how weak I actually am, and how I have been trying to act like I am strong... I don't want to pretend anymore, to put on that smile even though I am unhappy about something, just so I could avoid any troublesome confrontations.

I'm going to rest now and hopefully I will feel better tomorrow...

Letter for myself III : It's harder than you think To live with this sadness That creeps up my spine And haunts me through the night

Rome, Italy
Summer

Dear Me,

First thing first, I think I am addicted to beer. I am sitting in a small outdoor cafe in the hidden corners of Rome, drinking beer. I love how it feels when that cold, fizzy but slightly bitter taste goes down my throat. I want to drink so much that I feel dizzy about life...

There are not many people in the cafe. Only one or two tables are occupied. I'm sitting under white canvases supported by wooden stands, with green plants all around. A handsome italian waiter is serving the customers. I am thinking about the things that happen in a cafe: meaningful conversations, important words exchanged, romantic first dates, reunions...

A dog is walking past me. I have a basket of bread and an ashtray on my table. Two musicians are sitting behind me. They played a song for me moments ago... It's 'americano' they said. Refering to the fact that what they played was in english. It's funny how the Italians tend to add an 'o' behind every word when they try to speak in english.

I feel peaceful, safe. Time passes slowly in this little space that knows nothing about the crowded streets outside. An ocassional car or motorbike drives pass. For a moment, it's as if only good things exist in this world...

I don't know why I want someone by my side so badly, but ironically, when I am among people, it sometimes becomes unbearable. I just want someone whom I don't have to pretend around, someone who makes me feel comfortable... Someone who cares.

It's funny. When you realise that nobody really cares or even think about you in this world, your heart sinks and you've never felt more lonely. But you continue living with this knowledge and as you handle every disappointment, you become more numb and stronger at the same time... You learn to love yourself more.

I always thought of myself as a lucky person. Everytime something bad happens, I would close my eyes, count to 3, and pray that things miraculously put themselves into place. Usually they do. The first time I ever realised that some losses are irreversible is when I lost my dog... It was a moment of carelessness but I could never bring him back again. He's gone and will be gone forever. No matter how much I miss him, I will not be able to get him back...

I still live carelessly day by day. It would be too difficult to live cautiously all the time. All I have to do is learn how to block emotions from entering my heart. I guess, this is life.

But I don't want to be numb! I want to live. I want to love more, cry more, feel more and laugh more. I want to feel the extremities of life. I want to vary between happiness and unhappiness, to feel the danger and experience the feeling of security at the same time... Because I know I will find myself somewhere in between.

I want to learn how to handle danger.

I don't want to be afraid to get my heart broken...

Love,
Me

4 days of standbys...

...and they are still not changing it. I don't want to be home for 4 days!

Went to Jareer bookstore and bought 6 canvases, 1 set of acrylic paint, a paint brush, a white board + notice board, markers, 4 Paul Coelho books... FELT SO GOOD. I think I just love retail therapy.

Now I just want to do something crazy. Deciding between the few things to do.

1. Get my hair dyed SO brown and lie that it's my natural colour...
2. Go swimming and get soooo ridiculously tanned.
3. Watch a horror movie alone.
4. Go on top of a very high building and scream.
5. Smoke crazy lots of Sheesha
6. Dance to crazy music

Should I do any of this? The only unfortunate thing is no shops are open during Ramadan. I can't do nothing. My head and heart feels like it's about to explode. I don't know what is it about. I just know I feel like doing something drastic to my life.

Life

stumbled across a random blog and I really liked what I read...

"... the feeling is like sipping your drink while watching people walk by

from the comforts of a cafe

and you made it a point to dress nicely to meet a friend

if you're not too picky almost any acquaintance will do

if s\he has an interesting story to tell

or has a good presence

the feeling's quite fleety

comparing our lives with intertwining ribbons

they coiled, knotted, tangled, and along the way they separated

now we're touching each other

and we look back at the tangles and laugh about it

i've lost my tendency to make deep friendships

most friends come and go and i have accepted that

suddenly when an old acquaintance strikes a conversation and chord

you feel closer to him/her than when you knew him/her before

but nothing has changed

it's just that sharing each other's nostalgia and memories draws each other closer

as i slowly trudge through my life

i look back and see that i actually was floating through

floating alongside other people

people whose lives rub, knot, entangle with yours

and then someone lets go

that's how it is ..."

http://cliffurd.blogspot.com

I think I have been suffering inside because I have been pampered since the day I was born... I am living alone, oceans apart from my family now, and of course, I have turned from an optimistic person to a really pessimistic one... Of course it would be easier to return to the comforts of my home where I don't really have to do anything; everything from head to toe was taken care of since young... Do I really want to give up this independence and this chance to grow up?

I've never worked a day in my life (the previous work I did never lasted...), and being here for 4 months, it's the longest time I ever worked, and as I continue being here, my heart starts to float away, as I learnt about the cruelty of human beings and the reality of life... But also, I am learning about life and how to live it, and most importantly I am discovering what I am made of... How much nonsense I could actually take from people and things around me and how strong I actually am.

Sure, life isn't perfect but that is what makes it beautiful... "Why do I keep hammering myself on the head? Because it feels so good when I stop." It's the bad things in life that allows the beautiful things to shine through... The bad times are the ones that make the small good times wonderful and those that make life worth living. Let's focus on the small good things in life like being able to cook myself a meal or sit peacefully along the streets sipping coffee/beer.

Let's all be happy but not show off.

I believe there are still good people around whom we can develop deep relationships with...

Till then...

Love,
Me

You step a little closer each day...

Doha

Spent 2 days sleeping... Feel rejuvenated. Excited about my trip to Rome tomorrow. Excited about my new decisions. From now on I will not try to be part of anything anymore, unless it's absolutely necessary. Woke up and packed my room, cooked something for myself to eat, listened to great music, watched some Big Bang Theory and Grey's Anatomy... Feeling good, feeling complete.

Hope no one comes and destroy my happiness this time. Thanks. : )

Damien Rice

There’s still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
There’s still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
It’s still a little hard to say what's going on

There’s still a little bit of your ghost your witness
There’s still a little bit of your face i haven't kissed
You step a little closer each day
That I can´t say what´s going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love, it taught me to lie
Life, it taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball

There’s still a little bit of your song in my ear
There’s still a little bit of your words i long to hear
You step a little closer to me
So close that I can´t see what´s going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love, it taught me to cry
So come on courage, teach me to be shy
'Cause its not hard to fall,
And I don't want to scare her
Its not hard to fall
And i don't want to lose
Its not hard to grow
When you know that you just don't know

So its not hard to fall, when you float like a cannonball...

Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia



My dear friend Junwei came all the way to KL to look for me; it was really sweet, thank you.

It was a short but good trip. We met around early evening and took an airport limo to Kuala Lumpur city centre... We clubbed hopped from a beach bar, to a acoustic live band bar, to ZOUK KL. Chatted so much, caught up, knew new friends...

I realised that I had never felt like I truly belong anywhere. I'm always trying, trying so hard. I always try to look for companionship and the way to relate to people in the wrong way, in totally wrong places... I wish they would understand me, that we would understand each other...

Is it strange if I say I make friends with people better if I only know them for one day? Maintaining a friendship is harder than starting one.

1 more day off before Rome. Really, really looking forward to it... Time to drift off to sleep all over again, listening to Cannonball by Damien Rice. It's so good...

The air in India / 印度的空气

Calicut, India
The end of Summer

Calicut is a small, laidback city. The air smelt like a combination of spices and cows. It was windy. There were so many poor people around; some begging on the streets and many trying to sell cheap clothing to make a living. Occassionally, there were black cows walking on the streets.

Touched down at 10am in the morning. Had a good sleep for a couple of hours, and then we took a tuk-tuk to the city's shopping mall. Had a quick meal, and then proceeded to the big bazaar nearby. We bought a couple of indian Saris and sweets and when the sun was setting, we went back to the hotel for an indian buffet dinner.

As I sat at the back of the tuk-tuk, struggling to not fall off due to the minimum space I had; as I clutch the bag of shopping I bought and as we drove past shops and lights... I realised that happiness is not what it seems to be and that it is overrated. If happiness is the key, why do people leave paths that are supposedly perfect, take risks, do crazy things, and end up unhappy? Other than happiness, what we human beings are truly looking for is something unexplainable deep inside our hearts... Is it something that would make us feel complete?

It's like we are constantly playing tug of war; what we should do and what we want to do. What we want to do is usually bad for us... God didnt say life was fair, did he?

Had a long conversation with the crew. I never realised that everyone was feeling the same way as I do. I realised that as much as I miss home and want to go back, as much as I often dream of just packing my things, buying a ticket and leaving right then and there, I realised that I have slowly grown accustomed to life here. As stories and relationships build up, it would be harder and harder for me to leave. As much as I crave for a simple, down-to-earth life, I realised that part of me feed on loneliness and complications, because they are what seems to make my life less mundane.

In this short period of time, I have had wonderful experiences that I would not have if I weren't here. I've never felt more alone, yet I've never met people more like me than over here.

I've never felt so lonely. I have tasted my friend's dish and teared at the fact that it tasted so similar to what my mother used to cook back home... I've never had to clean my own house, wash my own dishes, laundry, manage my own money, etc...

At the end of the day, would you rather be a tormented artist who truly understands life or a happy, ignorant person who lives day by day?

Lots of love,
Venessa

Souq, Doha

Just finished my 4 days OFF, operating from Doha to Calicut in a few hours. Went to various places these few days... Had lots of sheesha in Souq and in a restaurant in the middle of nowhere, watched SALT and hung out with a couple of friends...

Doha is really not good for me. It makes me lonely and most of the time, disappointed. I really should tell myself not to ever trust anyone again, and also never to believe in the goodness in people. They are not good. Everyone is a little sick in the head here. They are selfish, they think the world revolves around them. They are lonely, and all are desperate for something, which they try to find through superficial ways. They don't realise that it would never be possible for them to find it, unless they start treating people seriously and become a better person. I'm not saying I'm perfect. Maybe I'm living in my own little world of illusions as well.

Had a very meaningful conversation with Niloofar last night. What's the meaning of life and our purpose of being here? I wish our life would be explained to us after death, like what it is like in the book 5 People You Meet in Heaven. Have we changed someone's life without knowing it? Have someone changed our lives in some way or another, but we are too ignorant to realise that?

Let's start living our lives in a more meaningful way.

Looking forward to meeting Junwei in KL. I have so much to say to him. Till then...

Lots of love,
Me

Hong kong, part 2

Hongkong
Summer

Today is my second day in Hongkong. 

The plane landed about four thirty in the afternoon yesterday. Took a short nap and met my colleagues in the hotel lobby at seven in the evening to go to the city together. We took the Airport Express and reached Mongkok within an hour. 

Hongkong is still in summer now. I believe it's going to be spring soon. The weather was pretty normal - there wasn't any particular thing you would complain about. It wasn't hot, and it wasn't cold... You wouldn't even notice the weather in any way. We walked along the streets of Mongkok and As usual, I bought a fridge magnet to add to my collection.

We had authentic Hongkong food. I was sure if it because of how the store looks - it was a small space with some tables and chairs. The remaining tables and chairs that belonged to the shop (they probably have them because of the amount of customers they have) were placed outside the shop, on dirty floor and under an old canvas shelter. Their customers didn't seem to mind as they received bowls of noodles made by sweaty arms and accompanied impolite remarks. It seems like the thing everyone had in common in that place was the love for their food... My colleagues and I didn't mind as well. We occupied a small table and started ordering a variety of dishes. They all came with noodles anyway. They were really delicious.  

Right after (did I mention the rounds of mango desserts, bubble tea and food from street-side stalls?), we took a taxi to Lan Kwai Fong and started our wonderful night. As usual it was a blur of booze, music and people. I met a few interesting people though. 

One guy bought a crazy, tall flaming lambogini and shared it with me. We drank it on fire. After that, he asked me to go outside for a cigarette. He told he was 29 and already has a little daughter. He's from Thailand. His wife died in a car accident and his daughter was all alone. He's working in Hongkong to earn a living, as a head chef in a Hongkong restaurant. He thought he could start a new life here... He met a new girlfriend, but his girlfriend ended up sleeping with his good friend. So there he was, drinking all that alcohol to make himself numb. When we wanted to leave, he insisted on sending us back. It was as if he was afraid of being alone... We didn't reject him.

The night ended just like that... All of us semi-drunk on the back of the taxi, with a new girl on my friend's arm...

Here I am, back in my hotel. Went for beef noodles and a cup of hot chocolate in a cosy cafe a few hours ago... Had the deepest sleep ever when i came back. I am having much looking forward to my 4 days off, but at the same time, I am worried that I might become depressed again at the end of it. I tend to think too much. Going to lie on the hotel bed and stare at the ceiling until it is time for me to get prepared and operate a flight from Hongkong back to Doha.

Sometimes I have this feeling that tells me everyone is secretly very lonely. Every action made by them might be acts of desperation and crying out loud from loneliness. We are all a little sick in the head. We just need someone beside us to distract us from those crazy thoughts we have...

With love,
Venessa

P.s. Two hours left in Hongkong. Im already feeling sick of this place...
 

My new best friend

Mya and I in Chilis : )

Alone in this world?

At the end of 4 OFF days, my mood went straight from optimism down to negativity and depression. Thank God my lover Kaveri came back from Zurich to cheer me up. I'm glad to have you here in Doha. I've made up my mind about something, and I know it's just gonna be a matter of time before I put it into action. For now I will perservere no matter how hard it gets... When the day comes when I really couldn't take it anymore; the day I summon enough courage, I will do it.

I still think about you sometimes, not in a romantic way, but just to wonder what had gone wrong. Nobody would understand why I felt that way about you, but I just... did. Was it the distance we unintentionally put in between us that made everything more exciting, but at the same time the thing that ruined everything? We just plunged into nothingness...

Why do I always act like I don't care when I care too much... & when I don't, I could act like I do? It's ironic, but all human beings are ironic, arent they?

I'm lying on my bed in the middle of the desert,
Suddenly, I'm halfway across the globe.
I find myself walking along streets I don't even recognise,
faces I don't recognise,
I'm 39,000 feet above ground...
I'm in bed with this handsome man I know nothing about...
I'm crying out from loneliness,
yet I'm thanking God for everything He's giving me.

Goodbye Yellow Brick Road

Growing up; starting a new life.

This song breaks my heart.

Hong Kong

Unfortunately, I didn't take any pictures of Hong Kong. Don't ask me why, probably because my sister and I were too busy yakking our lives away.

Went to Mackie's Kitchen, After School and Cat's Cafe. All located in Causeway Bay. It's so great to see these wonderful cafes come to life! Bought lots of magazines for me to read when I'm bored and also to get inspiration.. Also bought a few MUJI notebooks and pens.. I'm loving it! ♥

Meeting my sister was so, so good. It brought me back to Earth, made me able to look at myself from outside. I felt like I was back in Singapore again, I could remember my old life crystal clear... And right then it became clear to me that I was right where I was supposed to be.

I came back to Doha feeling satisfied and complete. I think I have entered the next phase of my life in Doha. I realised that off days should not be days of mopping around in depression and feelings of emptiness always. I should take the time to rest well and relax with my friends...

I shouldn't care what other people think about me, I should do what I want and have the time of my life. And also I should not trust anyone and shut my mouth at appropriate times...

That's it. My motto in Doha: Enjoy my life to the maximum, stop trusting people and stop caring what they think of me! KHALAS.

Nairobi, Kenya

Nairobi is in the transition from winter to spring. There was sun and breeze. You could walk along the streets without breaking a sweat. You'll see enormous birds with long feet flying around and sometimes animals in the farms along the highways.

City market is a place full black people and handmade stuff... I bought a piece of drawing which looks like a village with african people walking around, and a Nairobi fridge magnet. Drank some nice latte in one of the cafes and had crocodile meat for dinner.

Didn't have much time to explore the city but I had enough fun in the short time frame I was given...

Drifting off...

It is 36degrees in the middle of the night in Qatar. I need to wake up in 6 hours, but I don't want to sleep... I am used to this though. I can sleep 3 hours and be able to work for more than 10 hours straight.

I have a strange feeling right now. What do you call this emptiness inside me? I cannot find that something that is supposed to make me feel complete, no matter how many people i meet and chat with all day long. I need to talk to someone, and I know the best person is myself.

What am I doing here? Am I better off somewhere else? I feel like my world has expanded beyond, but has shrank within.

I... just don't understand how I can treat another person seriously, and get nothing in return. How could I have treated you seriously, to find out that it was all a game? Why do people here not take anyone seriously anymore? I'm just so disappointed and speechless about everything.

Now I need to close my eyes and continue listening to Cold Water by Damien Rice and slowly drift off to sleep. Hopefully...

Should I go back to reality?

London, England

One day train ticket for 12 pounds and access to the whole of London, isn't it wonderful? Went from London Gatwick to London Victoria to Marble Arch (for Primark shopping, of course) to London Bridge. Great weather... Why can't they exchange their skies with Doha? Enjoyed taking pictures of birds and planes flying above the London Bridge. They are so beautiful.

Letter for myself 2

28 July 2010

11.40pm
Summer
Zurich, Switzerland

Greetings from Zurich! Today is my second day here. Wandered around town alone, taking trains and trams and slowly figuring out my way around the city. I ate a nice meal on a bench along the streets. Finally watched Sex and the City 2 (which is banned in Doha) in Capitol cinema, and sat on a table along the streets drinking a glass of Heineken and writing down whatever that comes across my mind.

I'm getting sick of travelling alone, actually. It makes me feel lonely; like I've been abandoned by the world. Yet I don't want to force myself to travel with crew who are not interesting. Does travelling have meaning when you are not sharing your wonderful experiences with your loved ones? What is the perfect way to travel? I really have no idea.

I do not feel like I belong anywhere. My home is so far away from me... I have no country. I have no home. It's like I'm floating from place to place, searching for something. Searching for my identity in this world. Sometimes I feel unreal. My life feels unreal. This is the life I dreamt of months ago, and now I'm living it. Believe me, dreams are as good as you imagined them to be. It's just that nobody warned us of the things we have to give up to live our dreams...

I am 21 years old and am totally excited about the endless possibilities of life. This will be the only time I have access to the whole world. I'll go everywhere. I'll see people rushing around everywhere in the cities and think to myself, 'why are they rushing? where are they going?'. I will just be an audience. I'll meet random people from all over the world and start thinking, 'oh right, all these people are the same, they have 2 eyes, 1 nose and 1 mouth.'

We are all the same, yet we are all so different. All the stories we have to tell, all that we experienced and all the thoughts and opinions we have. Our views of the world are made up of dfferent sceneries and characters. I really do find it interesting to meet all these different people everyday...

I now believe this saying, "the higher you go, the harder you fall". Being 35,000ft above ground is pretty high. I realised I'm slowly searching for something more. I don't wish to float all the time. I need a place I call home. Loneliness and melancholy might be nice sometimes, but not all the time.

I am determined to make Doha home, at least for now.

with ♥,
me

A letter for myself 1

6th July 2010
Summer
12am
Munich, Germany

Hey there,

I have decided to write myself a letter everytime I'm on a layover. Tonight, I am in Munich, Germany. Went into the city for the first time, and it was worth it.

Just when I was about to think that flying sucks, I realised what makes flying worth it after all. I remember the purpose of me being here. Sure, the job involves some terrible aspects; but at the end of the day, I get to travel around the world and get allowances to enjoy myself. I stay in hotels and visit the capital cities of the world. It's worth it.

Today I walked down the streets of Munich city centre. There was a cool breeze and the temperature was perfect. I bought a hotdog and a drink and sat down on the grass along with the other Germans... I bought a shot from a man who was about to get married (it is their tradition to sell quirky things to gather money for their marriage), and I drank it with them. I bought 30 euros worth clothes. I saw my passenger on the streets and they smiled and waved at me. I saw a group of musicians playing Canon in D beside the subway. There was a grand piano, a flute, a violin and 2 cellos. It was nice and moving. I took a breath of cold, fresh air and thought, 'Ah, this is life...'. This is the kind of feeling I want to feel each time. Dreamy, far away from reality.

And then I thought of you. Somehow I wished you were there to experience that wonderful feeling with me. I thought of the special time we spent together... I wish we could walk down different streets together, without talking. Just keep those feelings in our hearts and lock them away forever. Without the world, we are perfect together.

I don't feel like sleeping now. I want to sit around, smoke a cigarette and enjoy the wonderful solitude. Homesickness and loneliness are so far away from me now...

with ♥,
me.

Melancholy

Sometimes...

I want to go after what I love without caring about ANYTHING in this world.

Love me when you see me.

Hold me in your arms.

When I'm not around, love other people.

It's okay.

A little love wouldn't hurt anybody.

Cold Water - Damien Rice

Such a wonderful song...

Stories of people I met while travelling I

Zurich, Switzerland

I was dining in an open restuarant when this man came over and borrowed a cigarette from me. He told me he wasn't feeling good because he didn't smoke for over an hour. I gave it to him.

He was 59. He told me his ex-wife, whom he divorced some 20 years ago, was dying, hence he was feeling really sad today. He shares 4 kids with her. She has a brain tumor and they found out too late. He wanted to get drunk but no matter how much he drinks, he never ever gets drunk.

He writes stories and poems in both German and English and gets them published in newspapers and stuff. He can speak 6 languages.

He wrote me a poem. This is how it goes.

A sandcorn will rise from the beach - one at a time.
The sandcorn is you - like a diamond!
What does a diamond do in our world?
Only to bring beauty, only to shine and give love.
The sandcorn is part of the windows of our hearts.
High airs carry birds and the sandcorn flies along.
When the sandcorn falls, it hits your heart.

And then we parted ways.

Along the streets of Munich...

...They were playing the wonderful classic Canon In D.

i would like to sleep in my messy hair

lying on my bed,

listening to some old songs that bring back special memories ...

slowly, slowly

i drift into sleep ...

my soul is going to wander around the world ...

baby baby, come and hold me,

let's fall asleep together ...

Munich, Germany

这是我第三次到Munich去。 开始感到厌倦但真的没办法。。。

在那里的二十一个小时，我生病了。

和同事一起去吃晚餐后，就回房，从下午睡到隔天早上。

可能因为生病的关系，最近做工作到真的很累，很讨厌。。。

不希望开始有这样的想法。。。

因为如果这样会很辛苦。

希望一切会变得好一点。



最近有了很多复杂的想法。

有一种想离开的念头。。。

但不知道回去后到底可以做什么。。。

我有点担心。

很开心在这里有遇到很好的朋友。。。

但真正可以说心里话的并不是很多。

可能只有一个吧。



有时候真的希望你是一个好人。

不会玩无聊的游戏，

可以真正和我聊天的一个人。

看起来你不是。。。

对我来说也没什么。。。

最多和你说再见 而已。



不是吗？


我开始适应一个人的生活。。。

就算回到没有人的房间也不会感到寂寞。。。

有时候我即使希望没有人会来找我。

把门锁上。。。

谁说我们一旦是朋友，我就得应该告诉你我生命里的一切？

我从来都不喜欢这样。




我要去睡觉了。。。 Bye

Living on my own

Apart from having to do housechores,

there's is no watchful eye;

just absolute freedom.


I could get used to this.

These streets by Paulo Nutini

>

Cross the border,
Into the big bad world
Where it takes you 'bout an hour
Just to cross the road
Just to stumble across another poor old soul from
The dreary old lanes to the high-street madness
Eye fight with my brain to believe my eyes
And it's harder than you think
To believe this sadness
That creeps up my spine
And haunts me through the night
And life is good and the girls are gorgeous
Suddenly the air smells much greener now
And I'm wondering 'round
With a half pack of cigarettes
Searching for the change that I've lost somehow

These streets have too many names for me
I'm used to Glenfield road and spending my time down in Orchy
I'll get used to this eventually
I know, I know

Where'd the days go? When all we did was play
And the stress that we were under wasn't stress at all
Just a run and a jump into a harmless fall from
Walking by a high-rise to a landmark square
You see millions of people with millions of cares
And I struggle to the train to make my way home
I look at the people as they sit there alone

Life is good, and the sun is shining
Everybody flirts to their ideal place
And the children all smile as a boat shuffled by them
Trying to pretend that they've got some space

These streets have too many names for me
I'm used to Glenfield road and spending my time down in Orchy
I'll get used to this eventually
I know, I know

These streets have too many names for me
I'm used to Glenfield road and spending my time down in Orchy
I'll get used to this eventually
I know, I know

Life is good, and the girls are gorgeous
Suddenly the air smells much greener now
And I'm wondering 'round
With a half pack of cigarettes
Searching for the change that I've lost somehow

These streets have too many names for me
I'm used to Glenfield road and spending my time down in Orchy
I'll get used to this eventually
I know, I know

Casablanca, Morocco

I LOVE CASABLANCA.

It has something to do with the weather. A combination of the sun and cool wind blowing on your face. There were so many perfect scenes that I would LOVE to take a photo of, but the people looked too fierce so I didn't want to risk it.

I went with wonderful crew. We had the greatest donut ever lived, bought my first fridge magnet, a new 'african' looking wallet and a 'I love Casablanca' teeshirt.

After that I drank lots of beer and sat facing the sea of cars driving past... Love it. :D

Halas.

Moscow, Russia

I have been thinking about the meaning of travelling; what is it exactly? Does it involve taking a lot of photos and leaving yourself a bunch of memories afterwards, or would it be better to just walk along the streets and experience then and there?

I couldn't find an answer, because I find myself unable to explain what I've experienced when I leave the country without photos as evidence of myself having been there... Yet I never truly enjoy when I am taking photos all the time.

I think I'm a lone traveller. I can't stand it when I travel with other people because I can't truly be myself.

I want to stand by a random street stall and choose the perfect postcard to bring home with me as long as possible.

I want to tear when I see a group of musicians playing Canon In D along the streets without feeling embarrassed.

I want to sit on the steps, do nothing and just observe everyone walking by.

I want to eat the worse local food,

and then take the subway slowly back to the hotel...

I know everything sounds too idealistic.

I am TOO idealistic.

I need to stop myself and come back to Earth.

I'm addicted to this song after watching the British sitcom 'Coupling'. It's simply hilarious...



Off to play my guitar ♥