The end of 2011

"Life is difficult."

Always remember that. Nobody said it was gonna be easy. And after acknowledging this fact, we will all be able to live life with a lot lesser complains.

2011 is coming to an end. 22 years of my life has passed me by. That's a long time. I guess I only have around 40 years or lesser number of years left on Earth. I've always asked myself, what's the point of me being alive? In this short 40 years, what can I do to change the world at least by a little, to show that there really was a point in me being alive? I guess these questions are up to individuals to answer. There's no single correct answer for it. Maybe the point of us being alive, is to help everyone around us live their lives a little better.

This past year has taught me a lot. I think it's the year my life started to really be in my own hands. I was in complete control of what I spend every minute and second of my life doing. I admit I didn't make good decisions. In fact I often regret the decisions I've made. I make the same mistakes over and over again, until I start to learn it the hard way.

I need my life to be a lot closer to what I want it to be. I need to focus more on what really matters. I don't think fun is really that important to me anymore. Yes I will still be having a little fun, but I need to do things that are a lot more meaningful. Like, volunteer on a regular basis, go backpacking more often. Drink and party a lot lesser. Write more. Play more music. Read more. Spend more time with my family. Help them run more errands to make their lives more convenient. Study harder.

Be good. Learn to be more of a perfectionist. Live and let live.

I wanna say, at the end of 2012, that I've come a whole lot closer to living the type of life I want.

i dont discriminate the crazy, those people whom are different, because God knows we are all a little crazy inside.

Especially myself.

Recently I've been feeling like I wanna disappear from the face of Earth. I don't deserve anything I'm given. I don't deserve the people around me. I'm selfish, egoistic and arrogant.

I don't want to be myself.

And I'm troubled. Because I still have to be me for the rest of my life. Is my existence a mistake? What difference have I made in this world? What have I done for my family and closest friends? Or even the people in need?

I see life as a constant struggle. And I feel tired. Maybe I've got all my priorities wrong. It's time to rethink my life and what I really want.

But every time I wanna do something, the loneliness inside me creeps up unknowingly. It makes me feel so alone, and so empty.

It makes me unable to concentrate on anything, except to make this feeling go away.

Life

School has been great but work has been tiring. It's easier to forget your problems when you are so fucking busy. Everyday is like a 10km marathon. I sprint from home to school to work and back home. There's not enough time to rest but somehow, like Deepak Chopra said, our bodies are different from machines. Machines wear out over time if you use them constantly but the human body builds muscles. We'll just get stronger.

Perhaps our hearts work this way. The more heartbreaks we suffer, the stronger they will become. But even machines have an expiry date. Too many heartbreaks might leave us too deeply wounded to love again.

Have still been partying much. Noticed that people usually want to club when they are heartbroken. Are clubs really just full of lonely people dancing in loud music, clouding their minds with alcohol so that they can pretend to be perfectly happy?

I have an amazing ability to get over things. Let me move from A to B to C......

Genting, Malaysia

I'm on my way to Genting with a bunch of friends. Right now, we are sitting in our individual seats watching movies from our personal screens. There's only about 2 hours left to this journey. It's 12 in the afternoon and the sun is shining brightly.

I've just finished watching Eat Pray Love the second time. It was the only movie that got my interest among the entire collection... After watching it all over again, I think I love it even more because this time round I took note of details that I missed out the previous time. I love the movie, the storyline, the beautiful narration and the meaning of life it tries to bring across to the audience.

It made me remember how much I love traveling and how alive it always makes me feel. I stare out of the window and see the unfamiliar trees and highways before me, and realised that I've forgot how I've told myself that I am always going to explore the world and explore life. I think I am the type of person who sits on the border of the world, who watches instead of take part in living a normal life. I refuse to conform to the traditional way of finding love and happiness.

What I want in life is fire, passion and experience - I want to love, hate, cry, laugh and LIVE.

I made such a grave mistake.

but FUCK YOU.

I'll be better off without you.

it has been hard trying to admit that i have issues with you. many years ago we used to be close, we used to spend a lot of time together talking and laughing. but still, we never had the kind of relationship that made me feel like you cared a lot and was always there for me... the things that i wanted you to care about: academically, etc, you never did and yet you were always overly concerned about my private life... you violated my privacy, made endless assumptions and said hurtful things to me...

i hope you know one day how damaging you have been... instead of giving in to the kind of effects all these have, im gonna live well, im gonna be so much better and totally different from you.

i have to stop being this depressed and bitter girl and start looking towards the future and the good things ahead. believe in myself once again and prove those who've stopped believing or giving me chances wrong.

i'll be strong!

I hate to be treated this way. Do I really deserve this?

Letter for myself

Dear Me,

I know that no matter how hard you try, you still cannot push your ego aside. You continue pretending to be happy and unaffected, but in fact you wanna push away the people who don't believe in you so bad.

You want something so badly, you know you should be having positive thoughts so that positive things can happen, but you cannot help but feel so damn terrible, lost, and afraid. You're afraid of the day when you really have to give up.

Is there something wrong with me?

Why do I not think that money is the most important thing in the world? Why do I know that secretly, deep down inside, career is nothing to me but an empty shell?

What I really want is to LIVE. To live life in an amazing way, in a way nobody have ever lived? All I want to do is to be like a HOBO, to travel around the poor countries with a backpack, do volunteer walk and sleep by the streets. All I want to do is smile and be happy and meet different people everyday. I wanna feel loneliness and emptiness so that I'm able to feel alive.

Why can't I just want the same things as everyone else?

Courage

I had a friend who once told me that she only likes and will fall in love with someone who does everything for her. The kind who, despite any obstacles, get her things done for her and treats her like a princess. I used to not understand that but now I think I do.

When a person behaves that way, it shows how much he/she cares or likes you.

However, it is also a sign of insecurity on our part, if we only choos those who are by default good to us. It shows a lack of confidence and courage. The lack of courage to fight for what you want, and instead, just settle for what you can get and what is put in front of you.

I don’t want to settle for less than what I deserve. I wanna fight for what I want but I admit - I lack the courage to put myself in the risk of being rejected.

Luck

Honestly, if I'm not there and you don't even care, I don't see why I ever mattered to you.

Anyway my life is getting better by the minute. I hope. Praying damn hard to God and hoping that he would put luck on my side. I've tried my best and all I can do now is submit a nice photo, cross my fingers and hope that I would receive that email that would change my life. PLEASE.

Hello new friends. You guys are so awesome. I look forward to our awesome friendship and this time I'll do things right. xoxo

Friendship?

Its 5.41am in the morning & I can't sleep. Was supposed to wake up for something important in 29 minutes' time but now I'm just going to attend it like a panda.

Just feeling so fucking disappointed in someone. Someone I thought I would be best friends with all my life. Yes, we've had our differences, and we've been fighting more than ever these days. But never once have I thought of deleting you from my life. I've deleted countless people from my life and it's only because they don't mean a thing and I no longer want them there. Maybe it's the same way for you. And you actually said you should have done it a long time ago. Never did realise that our friendship was so difficult and meaningless to you.

Maybe some of you were right. I'm not a guy and never will be. No matter how much we enjoy our time together and have in common, we'll never be the kind of real best friends that real best friends could be. Maybe it's all superficial. Maybe we've all been wasting time building something that was going to die off eventually anyway. Maybe it's good that this is happening now so we won't waste more time. And maybe really, friendship is just a temporary phase in everyone's life.

I fucking wanna laugh at the statement "we dont need to have a lot of friends, just one or two real ones.' ITS SUCH A FUCKING JOKE.

I'm lying alone with my head on the floor; thinking of you till it hurts

Heard this song in one of the mixed tapes I found on the car. So amazingly good.

It might just be because I want something I cannot get.

Surround yourself with positive energy...

The way to do that is to involve yourself with the people, places and things that make you happy. Positive energy expands and grows stronger when you feed it with happy thoughts, affirmations, and the knowledge that you deserve good things in your life. And, when you are beaming with love and joy, you are radiant, and you attract even greater love and joy. Empower yourself in this way, and the world will be yours. Do it on an ongoing basis, and you will be unstoppable.

- Aries horoscope

I want you closer; I don't know what to do.

A good friend made me a mixed tape 10 years ago. I've always loved this song and found it so heartbreakingly beautiful but couldn't find the title. A few days ago, I found the old mixed tape in the stack of CDs in my car. Googled the lyrics and I finally found this song. Still love it like how I loved it the first time I heard it.



i'm tired of closing
my eyes without u
i want u closer
i don't know what to do
i see it come
i can't turn away
i'll never let u
let u go away

I make my mind up
i'd taste the love i know the game
don't wanna lose ya
don't wanna lose ya
and i never wanna let u go

everything u do commands me to stay
it's the hardest thing i'd ever have to say
cos i know that i feel light years away
everything u do now
everything commands me to stay

you're all that matters
matters to me
you're all i want now
how could i let it be
whatever happens
i'll be in ur eyes
i'll take it bck and
give it all inside

I make my mind up
i'd taste the love i know the game
d'ont wanna lose it
dun wanna lose ya
and i never wanna let u go

everything u do commands me to stay
it's the hardest thing i'd ever have to say
cos i know that i feel light years away
everything u do now
everything commands me to stay

Would just like to say...

You're such an amazing person. & you spread your positive attitude to the people around you. I know it doesn't even matter. I'll never be good enough.

I think I'm going to start changing friends. No more young friends. Maximum -1years old from my age. And also, only cheerful, positive and slightly mature people allowed. One important criteria: they must also know how to enjoy and have fun!

Woo! <3

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... and I am lost inside.

This is when I'd cry. Crying is right at hand in the smothering dark, closed inside someone else, when you see how everythig you can ever accomplish will end up as trash.

Anything you're ever proud of will be thrown away.

And I'm lost inside.

This is when I'd cry because right now, your life comes down to nothing, and not even nothing, oblivion.

It's easy to cry when you realize that everyone you love will reject you or die. On a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone will drop to zero.

- Fight Club

Happy Valentine's Day ; 这世界辽阔，我总会实现一个梦

Listening to awesome music and typing this. Back from my long heart to heart talk with my best friends. I'm so glad to have them in my life. There are times when I am afraid they would leave me because I create too much trouble for them, but they never gave up on me. Thank you so much.

I think it's the end for us. Too many a times we thought we had reached the limit of our relationship, but I think, this time it really is the end. I know you can't handle it. I told you every single time how is it gonna be, but you still cannot handle it. There is no point continuing this because everyone's gonna lose out in the end. Including the people around us.

Anyway, I spent my valentine's day sleeping like a baby in my room. It was awesome. Watched No Strings Attached and it was awesome too. Now it's time to sleep again. Or maybe I would stay awake, go for a run and a swim and sleep tomorrow night. MAYBE.

Nothing Compares to You

It's been seven hours and fifteen days
since you took your love away
I go out every night and sleep all day
since you took your love away
since you've been gone I can do whatever I want
I can see whomever I choose
I can eat my dinner in a fancy restaurant
but nothing
I said nothing can take away these blues,

'cause nothing compares
nothing compares to you

It's been so lonely without you here
like a bird without a song
nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling
tell me baby where did I go wrong?
I could put my arms round every boy I see
but they'd only remind me of you
I went to the doctor guess what he told me
guess what he told me
he said girl you better try to have fun
no matter what you do
but he's a fool

'cause nothing compares
nothing compares to you

All the flowers that you planted mother
in the backyard
all died when you went away
I know that living with you, baby, was sometimes hard
but I'm willing to give it another try

Reflect

Reflecting now. I am opening that part of me that decided not to care. I care. I'm not cold-blooded. I'm just living a lie and pretending that I'm superman. No matter how upset I'm gonna be, I'm not gonna run to anyone like before or search for ways to be happy temporarily. I'll face it like the young adult I am. I'll face it sober and I'll change.

What you think of me matters more than you know. I know I shouldn't live life according to other people's standards. But what I cannot stand is you thinking badly of me. I cannot take it.

This Chinese New Year has ended. It's another excuse to party and I've partied. It's time to end this year long party. Almost every single day I'm partying! The party has to end someday and it is now. And it is because of you.

Your actions affect the people around you

I think I understand that now.

Dear friend, don't you know that pretending to not care is the only way I can pretend I'm strong and that I'm okay? I don't know whether it's a good thing. I'm so afraid that I'll get hurt, and so I block emotions and thoughts from happening. I don't even want to think about it.

I'm afraid I have too many dirty secrets. I'm afraid to open that part of me that decided to not care.

Letter to myself: Wake up; open your eyes

Life has been good. Somehow, something cracked my vision and allowed light to come in. I am now awake, and understand the reasons behind my unhappiness the past few months.

I realised that I was struggling to adjust back to life in Singapore. I was afraid that life wouldn't be as exciting as I want it to be. So I indulge myself in everything that I thought would make my life exciting: parties, booze, late nights, people who were bad for me.

In the process of wanting so much; I've actually lost many things that meant something to me. I drifted away from my family, I made my friends worry about the life I was leading, and I hurt someone very important to me.

Somewhere along the way, I realised I have lost everything, and when I look at what I was left with, they were all things that mean nothing to me.

And so I decided to wake up. To become closer to my family, to be the good person my friends knew me as before, and to slowly make up to that important person in my life. Or perhaps I would just disappear in that person's life so that his/her life could be good forever.

I feel myself back on track again. I'm glad that stupid rebellious period of time is gone. I don't regret having done anything, but I know I've wasted lots of precious time on the wrong people who are totally not worth it. Will open my eyes bigger this time.

Till then,
Me

Unexplained loneliness

Sometimes the strange feeling just comes into me. I wish it was unexplained. To be honest I know exactly why I'm feeling this way.

Without you I am floating, insecure, and exposed to the whole world.

空隙 Vent

我這麼幸福

沒任何權利不滿足

我說不出

怎麼敢埋怨那不存在的苦

活像一個湖

沒有起也沒有伏

我說不出

這到底可以算是禍還是福

該怎麼形容

(心)像一個球又像一個洞

它越大越滿卻越空

剩一點力氣

一點勇氣

來面對孤寂

相信自己還有放棄的能力

要一點力氣

一點勇氣

心裡的空隙 不斷壓抑

無論跟誰在不在一起

都只有自己

(要一點力氣一點勇氣

心裡的空隙 不能壓抑

何必為了一起而一起

我對我心裡的空隙無能為力)

The best things happen when you're 21

2010 has been too awesome. It's way different from any other years in my life.

Struggled. Worked. Lived overseas. Earned money. Travelled. Knew friends from all over the world. Sat down by the streets in cold weather and drank beer. Took photos. Wrote alot. Met my one great love and lost it. Went to the dessert. Partied almost everyday (I'm serious). Fell in love with cold beer and that slightly dizzy feeling. Met handsome italian waiter and awesome musicians in Rome. Had a great first lesbian experience. Understand my limits and how far I can go. Have deeper relationships with friends. Had great conversations, great dinners. Did not learn how to let go. Laughed alot. Cried alot.

In conclusion, it's so fucking exciting I myself couldn't believe it. I think it was well-spent. And I am determined to make 2011 even better. There are more things that I haven't explored and learnt.

I want to step WAY out of my comfort zone this year. I want to try more new things. I want to find God. I want to put myself out there. I want to be confident. And I almost. Never want to see you again.