Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia (again)

I was sitting in the hotel lobby in Kuala Lumpur 2 days ago, listening to sweet music played on the grand piano and the sad but distant voice of the musician... Life is beautiful. Like the taste of the hot tea when it touches my tongue, sweet music like that floating in the air, and in the midst all this, writing a postcard to a very good friend of mine to show how much I love him/her...

To be honest I never knew I would ever had that kind of feeling in Malaysia. I never knew I could love that place this much. But now I realised that it's the closest to home I could get... And I appreciated it. I felt like I was staring at the same sky as my family and friends back home, and finally we have the same time-zone again. That I was feeling sleepy at the same time as they did, and we shared the same morning Sun...

I know I am going to have a good sleep tonight because I am happy recently. Hope this lasts... : )

A whole big mess

Everything's in a mess - my room, my house, my relationships with people, my mind.

It's my fault really, and don't you think it's time to clean up before you go?

Expendable

1. (of an object) Designed to be used only once and then abandoned or destroyed.

2. Of little significance when compared to an overall purpose, and therefore able to be abandoned.

It's the perfect word to describe how I feel sometimes.

How come words become the most hurtful when it might be true? And it's not what you want yourself to be... And you think to yourself "How dare you!" when someone throws those words in your face.

How come it is so easy to hurt people, to be inconsiderate, selfish... But it's so difficult to be good?

How come it is so difficult to get that one thing you wish for... But so easy to get a million other things you don't care about?

How come everything in life needs our time and effort to maintain...

How come life is like a never ending ferris wheel that goes round and round and never stops?

Maldives

Maldives was paradise. It was a much needed vacation! I really didn't want to come back, just wanted to stay there and lie in the Sun all day and get all toasted...

One boat, one sunset, one deep blue ocean and one nostalgic Michael Jackson song later, I got all teary... I sat at the front deck and look as the boat drives on... I realised how lucky I was and how well I was living my life... & I was just there by chance. God is kind to me. It was so, so beautiful.

I thought of how life is like the ocean. Vast, deep, mysterious, with no bounderies... And how living life was like driving a boat. The ocean has no front or back... Just because we are driving forward it doesn't mean that we are actually progressing because there is no direction in the sea!

Once in a while we can put the boat on full speed and feel the strong wind hit us on our face. The feeling of adrenaline... But after some time you realised that you cannot hear well, have no lasting impression of anything you've seen... It's only when you slow down then you would hear the sound of the waves crashing against huge rocks and the beautiful sun that is setting right in front of you...

It is so much like life. When the pace is too fast, sometimes we forget to appreciate the small things in life that makes it so beautiful. But if it is slow all the time, it becomes boring.

Life should always have a balance of things and that's why God gave us ups and downs, pleasure and pain, love and hate... God has decided to put everything together so that nothing is lonely in this world. There are always opposites of everything and things that comes with other things. This is why nobody should grow old alone, we should all look for someone whom we want to spend our life with...

I wanna go back to Maldives...

Colombo, Sri Lanka

Didn't bring my camera again, so I don't have any photos of the place...

Flew with Bo over there, we went for seafood by the beach. The food wasn't perfect but I guess the combination of everything made me remember the food as it was perfect. : ) Cloudy skies, sri lankan people soaking in the sea, huge waves, tables and chairs and lots of sand...

Going to Maldives tonight, I'm VERY excited! Hello to new perspective again... Hope I won't get so BLACK this time! Want to drink a lot + do snoggling : )

New experiences

I always love doing crazy things, meeting new people with interesting stories... I did some crazy shit recently and just started thinking... Does it matter whether or not the experience was good and is there any point in regretting your actions? Maybe it is just good that we did something new and added a new experience which in some ways changes us as a person, the way we think, etc...

Someone once told me experiences are what make us who we are.

Life is not 100% perfect all the time.

Sometimes I wish my brain can just shut up and stop working. On the other hand, it is my brain which makes every great experience even greater because I enjoy and think about all the small things involved. But it also means my pain is greater...

At this very moment I wanna leap forward and pack my bags and go home, return to a place where things are normal, where days are days and nights are nights, where people are genuine. It's like I don't want to fly, I don't want to do a fucking thing except sleep more than 24 hours... It's like Doha has reached it's expiry date.

But really, this is my favorite song on Earth right now, it is so fucking wonderful.

9 crimes - Damien Rice & Lisa Hannigan



Leave me out with the waste, this is not what I do
It's the wrong kind of place to be thinking of you
It's the wrong time for somebody new
It's a small crime and I got no excuse
And is that all right, yeah?
I give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that all right, yeah?
If you don't shoot it how am I supposed to hold it?
Is that all right, yeah?
I give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that all right, yeah, with you?
Leave me out with the waste, this is not what I do
It's the wrong kind of place to be cheating on you
It's the wrong time she's pulling me through
It's a small crime and I got no excuse
And is that all right, yeah?
If I give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that all right, yeah?
If you don't shoot it, how am I supposed to hold it?
Is that all right, yeah?
I give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that all right?
Is that all right with you?
Is that all right, yeah?
If I give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that all right, yeah?
If you don't shoot it, how am I supposed to hold it?
Is that all right, yeah?
I give my gun away when it's loaded
Is that all right?
Is that all right with you?
And is that all right, yeah?
Is that all right?
Is that all right?
Is that all right with you?
No?

I will never win

What I hate the most: working hard for something I want. Because I've tried so many times and I've always failed. Is it because I don't have what it takes? Is it because I'm not good enough? Again, and again... I get disappointed. I didnt expect much but I didnt even get the bare minimum.

What I realised is that what I want never comes to me even if I try... But when I care or don't bother, they appear.

I should chill, shut up, stop trying, stop fighting...

Eye surgery

I walked into the clinic alone, thinking that I would be okay. But once the doctor injected into my eye, I panicked. All I wanted to do was to run away, but I knew I was trapped. I never felt more alone in the world. At that moment, I wish I had a hand to hold; I thought of my mother, and I missed her...

I felt overwhelmed with emotions, lying on the surgery chair. I felt scared, helpless, and vulnerable.

I realised how sad I actually am, and I had never really cried ever since I came here, and that was the breaking point. I felt sad because I realised I had no idea how to take good care of myself, and that I was just a kid who's trying to pretend that she knows everything. That my heart is broken, and will always be broken again, and again. I realised how pathetic I was, always desperately looking for somebody to be close to me, but never succeeded. And that I will never find that person. How I always expect too much out of people, yet I never do much for them. How I always care about the wrong people. How I always try to act like I dont care when I do, and end up losing people I care about...

That I humiliated the person I was with for 2 and a half years, ended without a word of appreciation. And now I miss him so much, but he doesn't even want to reply my emails.

I realised how weak I actually am, and how I have been trying to act like I am strong... I don't want to pretend anymore, to put on that smile even though I am unhappy about something, just so I could avoid any troublesome confrontations.

I'm going to rest now and hopefully I will feel better tomorrow...

Letter for myself III : It's harder than you think To live with this sadness That creeps up my spine And haunts me through the night

Rome, Italy
Summer

Dear Me,

First thing first, I think I am addicted to beer. I am sitting in a small outdoor cafe in the hidden corners of Rome, drinking beer. I love how it feels when that cold, fizzy but slightly bitter taste goes down my throat. I want to drink so much that I feel dizzy about life...

There are not many people in the cafe. Only one or two tables are occupied. I'm sitting under white canvases supported by wooden stands, with green plants all around. A handsome italian waiter is serving the customers. I am thinking about the things that happen in a cafe: meaningful conversations, important words exchanged, romantic first dates, reunions...

A dog is walking past me. I have a basket of bread and an ashtray on my table. Two musicians are sitting behind me. They played a song for me moments ago... It's 'americano' they said. Refering to the fact that what they played was in english. It's funny how the Italians tend to add an 'o' behind every word when they try to speak in english.

I feel peaceful, safe. Time passes slowly in this little space that knows nothing about the crowded streets outside. An ocassional car or motorbike drives pass. For a moment, it's as if only good things exist in this world...

I don't know why I want someone by my side so badly, but ironically, when I am among people, it sometimes becomes unbearable. I just want someone whom I don't have to pretend around, someone who makes me feel comfortable... Someone who cares.

It's funny. When you realise that nobody really cares or even think about you in this world, your heart sinks and you've never felt more lonely. But you continue living with this knowledge and as you handle every disappointment, you become more numb and stronger at the same time... You learn to love yourself more.

I always thought of myself as a lucky person. Everytime something bad happens, I would close my eyes, count to 3, and pray that things miraculously put themselves into place. Usually they do. The first time I ever realised that some losses are irreversible is when I lost my dog... It was a moment of carelessness but I could never bring him back again. He's gone and will be gone forever. No matter how much I miss him, I will not be able to get him back...

I still live carelessly day by day. It would be too difficult to live cautiously all the time. All I have to do is learn how to block emotions from entering my heart. I guess, this is life.

But I don't want to be numb! I want to live. I want to love more, cry more, feel more and laugh more. I want to feel the extremities of life. I want to vary between happiness and unhappiness, to feel the danger and experience the feeling of security at the same time... Because I know I will find myself somewhere in between.

I want to learn how to handle danger.

I don't want to be afraid to get my heart broken...

Love,
Me

4 days of standbys...

...and they are still not changing it. I don't want to be home for 4 days!

Went to Jareer bookstore and bought 6 canvases, 1 set of acrylic paint, a paint brush, a white board + notice board, markers, 4 Paul Coelho books... FELT SO GOOD. I think I just love retail therapy.

Now I just want to do something crazy. Deciding between the few things to do.

1. Get my hair dyed SO brown and lie that it's my natural colour...
2. Go swimming and get soooo ridiculously tanned.
3. Watch a horror movie alone.
4. Go on top of a very high building and scream.
5. Smoke crazy lots of Sheesha
6. Dance to crazy music

Should I do any of this? The only unfortunate thing is no shops are open during Ramadan. I can't do nothing. My head and heart feels like it's about to explode. I don't know what is it about. I just know I feel like doing something drastic to my life.