Life

stumbled across a random blog and I really liked what I read...

"... the feeling is like sipping your drink while watching people walk by

from the comforts of a cafe

and you made it a point to dress nicely to meet a friend

if you're not too picky almost any acquaintance will do

if s\he has an interesting story to tell

or has a good presence

the feeling's quite fleety

comparing our lives with intertwining ribbons

they coiled, knotted, tangled, and along the way they separated

now we're touching each other

and we look back at the tangles and laugh about it

i've lost my tendency to make deep friendships

most friends come and go and i have accepted that

suddenly when an old acquaintance strikes a conversation and chord

you feel closer to him/her than when you knew him/her before

but nothing has changed

it's just that sharing each other's nostalgia and memories draws each other closer

as i slowly trudge through my life

i look back and see that i actually was floating through

floating alongside other people

people whose lives rub, knot, entangle with yours

and then someone lets go

that's how it is ..."

http://cliffurd.blogspot.com

I think I have been suffering inside because I have been pampered since the day I was born... I am living alone, oceans apart from my family now, and of course, I have turned from an optimistic person to a really pessimistic one... Of course it would be easier to return to the comforts of my home where I don't really have to do anything; everything from head to toe was taken care of since young... Do I really want to give up this independence and this chance to grow up?

I've never worked a day in my life (the previous work I did never lasted...), and being here for 4 months, it's the longest time I ever worked, and as I continue being here, my heart starts to float away, as I learnt about the cruelty of human beings and the reality of life... But also, I am learning about life and how to live it, and most importantly I am discovering what I am made of... How much nonsense I could actually take from people and things around me and how strong I actually am.

Sure, life isn't perfect but that is what makes it beautiful... "Why do I keep hammering myself on the head? Because it feels so good when I stop." It's the bad things in life that allows the beautiful things to shine through... The bad times are the ones that make the small good times wonderful and those that make life worth living. Let's focus on the small good things in life like being able to cook myself a meal or sit peacefully along the streets sipping coffee/beer.

Let's all be happy but not show off.

I believe there are still good people around whom we can develop deep relationships with...

Till then...

Love,
Me

You step a little closer each day...

Doha

Spent 2 days sleeping... Feel rejuvenated. Excited about my trip to Rome tomorrow. Excited about my new decisions. From now on I will not try to be part of anything anymore, unless it's absolutely necessary. Woke up and packed my room, cooked something for myself to eat, listened to great music, watched some Big Bang Theory and Grey's Anatomy... Feeling good, feeling complete.

Hope no one comes and destroy my happiness this time. Thanks. : )

Damien Rice

There’s still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
There’s still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
It’s still a little hard to say what's going on

There’s still a little bit of your ghost your witness
There’s still a little bit of your face i haven't kissed
You step a little closer each day
That I can´t say what´s going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love, it taught me to lie
Life, it taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball

There’s still a little bit of your song in my ear
There’s still a little bit of your words i long to hear
You step a little closer to me
So close that I can´t see what´s going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love, it taught me to cry
So come on courage, teach me to be shy
'Cause its not hard to fall,
And I don't want to scare her
Its not hard to fall
And i don't want to lose
Its not hard to grow
When you know that you just don't know

So its not hard to fall, when you float like a cannonball...

Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia



My dear friend Junwei came all the way to KL to look for me; it was really sweet, thank you.

It was a short but good trip. We met around early evening and took an airport limo to Kuala Lumpur city centre... We clubbed hopped from a beach bar, to a acoustic live band bar, to ZOUK KL. Chatted so much, caught up, knew new friends...

I realised that I had never felt like I truly belong anywhere. I'm always trying, trying so hard. I always try to look for companionship and the way to relate to people in the wrong way, in totally wrong places... I wish they would understand me, that we would understand each other...

Is it strange if I say I make friends with people better if I only know them for one day? Maintaining a friendship is harder than starting one.

1 more day off before Rome. Really, really looking forward to it... Time to drift off to sleep all over again, listening to Cannonball by Damien Rice. It's so good...

The air in India / 印度的空气

Calicut, India
The end of Summer

Calicut is a small, laidback city. The air smelt like a combination of spices and cows. It was windy. There were so many poor people around; some begging on the streets and many trying to sell cheap clothing to make a living. Occassionally, there were black cows walking on the streets.

Touched down at 10am in the morning. Had a good sleep for a couple of hours, and then we took a tuk-tuk to the city's shopping mall. Had a quick meal, and then proceeded to the big bazaar nearby. We bought a couple of indian Saris and sweets and when the sun was setting, we went back to the hotel for an indian buffet dinner.

As I sat at the back of the tuk-tuk, struggling to not fall off due to the minimum space I had; as I clutch the bag of shopping I bought and as we drove past shops and lights... I realised that happiness is not what it seems to be and that it is overrated. If happiness is the key, why do people leave paths that are supposedly perfect, take risks, do crazy things, and end up unhappy? Other than happiness, what we human beings are truly looking for is something unexplainable deep inside our hearts... Is it something that would make us feel complete?

It's like we are constantly playing tug of war; what we should do and what we want to do. What we want to do is usually bad for us... God didnt say life was fair, did he?

Had a long conversation with the crew. I never realised that everyone was feeling the same way as I do. I realised that as much as I miss home and want to go back, as much as I often dream of just packing my things, buying a ticket and leaving right then and there, I realised that I have slowly grown accustomed to life here. As stories and relationships build up, it would be harder and harder for me to leave. As much as I crave for a simple, down-to-earth life, I realised that part of me feed on loneliness and complications, because they are what seems to make my life less mundane.

In this short period of time, I have had wonderful experiences that I would not have if I weren't here. I've never felt more alone, yet I've never met people more like me than over here.

I've never felt so lonely. I have tasted my friend's dish and teared at the fact that it tasted so similar to what my mother used to cook back home... I've never had to clean my own house, wash my own dishes, laundry, manage my own money, etc...

At the end of the day, would you rather be a tormented artist who truly understands life or a happy, ignorant person who lives day by day?

Lots of love,
Venessa

Souq, Doha

Just finished my 4 days OFF, operating from Doha to Calicut in a few hours. Went to various places these few days... Had lots of sheesha in Souq and in a restaurant in the middle of nowhere, watched SALT and hung out with a couple of friends...

Doha is really not good for me. It makes me lonely and most of the time, disappointed. I really should tell myself not to ever trust anyone again, and also never to believe in the goodness in people. They are not good. Everyone is a little sick in the head here. They are selfish, they think the world revolves around them. They are lonely, and all are desperate for something, which they try to find through superficial ways. They don't realise that it would never be possible for them to find it, unless they start treating people seriously and become a better person. I'm not saying I'm perfect. Maybe I'm living in my own little world of illusions as well.

Had a very meaningful conversation with Niloofar last night. What's the meaning of life and our purpose of being here? I wish our life would be explained to us after death, like what it is like in the book 5 People You Meet in Heaven. Have we changed someone's life without knowing it? Have someone changed our lives in some way or another, but we are too ignorant to realise that?

Let's start living our lives in a more meaningful way.

Looking forward to meeting Junwei in KL. I have so much to say to him. Till then...

Lots of love,
Me

Hong kong, part 2

Hongkong
Summer

Today is my second day in Hongkong. 

The plane landed about four thirty in the afternoon yesterday. Took a short nap and met my colleagues in the hotel lobby at seven in the evening to go to the city together. We took the Airport Express and reached Mongkok within an hour. 

Hongkong is still in summer now. I believe it's going to be spring soon. The weather was pretty normal - there wasn't any particular thing you would complain about. It wasn't hot, and it wasn't cold... You wouldn't even notice the weather in any way. We walked along the streets of Mongkok and As usual, I bought a fridge magnet to add to my collection.

We had authentic Hongkong food. I was sure if it because of how the store looks - it was a small space with some tables and chairs. The remaining tables and chairs that belonged to the shop (they probably have them because of the amount of customers they have) were placed outside the shop, on dirty floor and under an old canvas shelter. Their customers didn't seem to mind as they received bowls of noodles made by sweaty arms and accompanied impolite remarks. It seems like the thing everyone had in common in that place was the love for their food... My colleagues and I didn't mind as well. We occupied a small table and started ordering a variety of dishes. They all came with noodles anyway. They were really delicious.  

Right after (did I mention the rounds of mango desserts, bubble tea and food from street-side stalls?), we took a taxi to Lan Kwai Fong and started our wonderful night. As usual it was a blur of booze, music and people. I met a few interesting people though. 

One guy bought a crazy, tall flaming lambogini and shared it with me. We drank it on fire. After that, he asked me to go outside for a cigarette. He told he was 29 and already has a little daughter. He's from Thailand. His wife died in a car accident and his daughter was all alone. He's working in Hongkong to earn a living, as a head chef in a Hongkong restaurant. He thought he could start a new life here... He met a new girlfriend, but his girlfriend ended up sleeping with his good friend. So there he was, drinking all that alcohol to make himself numb. When we wanted to leave, he insisted on sending us back. It was as if he was afraid of being alone... We didn't reject him.

The night ended just like that... All of us semi-drunk on the back of the taxi, with a new girl on my friend's arm...

Here I am, back in my hotel. Went for beef noodles and a cup of hot chocolate in a cosy cafe a few hours ago... Had the deepest sleep ever when i came back. I am having much looking forward to my 4 days off, but at the same time, I am worried that I might become depressed again at the end of it. I tend to think too much. Going to lie on the hotel bed and stare at the ceiling until it is time for me to get prepared and operate a flight from Hongkong back to Doha.

Sometimes I have this feeling that tells me everyone is secretly very lonely. Every action made by them might be acts of desperation and crying out loud from loneliness. We are all a little sick in the head. We just need someone beside us to distract us from those crazy thoughts we have...

With love,
Venessa

P.s. Two hours left in Hongkong. Im already feeling sick of this place...
 

My new best friend

Mya and I in Chilis : )

Alone in this world?

At the end of 4 OFF days, my mood went straight from optimism down to negativity and depression. Thank God my lover Kaveri came back from Zurich to cheer me up. I'm glad to have you here in Doha. I've made up my mind about something, and I know it's just gonna be a matter of time before I put it into action. For now I will perservere no matter how hard it gets... When the day comes when I really couldn't take it anymore; the day I summon enough courage, I will do it.

I still think about you sometimes, not in a romantic way, but just to wonder what had gone wrong. Nobody would understand why I felt that way about you, but I just... did. Was it the distance we unintentionally put in between us that made everything more exciting, but at the same time the thing that ruined everything? We just plunged into nothingness...

Why do I always act like I don't care when I care too much... & when I don't, I could act like I do? It's ironic, but all human beings are ironic, arent they?

I'm lying on my bed in the middle of the desert,
Suddenly, I'm halfway across the globe.
I find myself walking along streets I don't even recognise,
faces I don't recognise,
I'm 39,000 feet above ground...
I'm in bed with this handsome man I know nothing about...
I'm crying out from loneliness,
yet I'm thanking God for everything He's giving me.

Goodbye Yellow Brick Road

Growing up; starting a new life.

This song breaks my heart.

Hong Kong

Unfortunately, I didn't take any pictures of Hong Kong. Don't ask me why, probably because my sister and I were too busy yakking our lives away.

Went to Mackie's Kitchen, After School and Cat's Cafe. All located in Causeway Bay. It's so great to see these wonderful cafes come to life! Bought lots of magazines for me to read when I'm bored and also to get inspiration.. Also bought a few MUJI notebooks and pens.. I'm loving it! ♥

Meeting my sister was so, so good. It brought me back to Earth, made me able to look at myself from outside. I felt like I was back in Singapore again, I could remember my old life crystal clear... And right then it became clear to me that I was right where I was supposed to be.

I came back to Doha feeling satisfied and complete. I think I have entered the next phase of my life in Doha. I realised that off days should not be days of mopping around in depression and feelings of emptiness always. I should take the time to rest well and relax with my friends...

I shouldn't care what other people think about me, I should do what I want and have the time of my life. And also I should not trust anyone and shut my mouth at appropriate times...

That's it. My motto in Doha: Enjoy my life to the maximum, stop trusting people and stop caring what they think of me! KHALAS.

Nairobi, Kenya

Nairobi is in the transition from winter to spring. There was sun and breeze. You could walk along the streets without breaking a sweat. You'll see enormous birds with long feet flying around and sometimes animals in the farms along the highways.

City market is a place full black people and handmade stuff... I bought a piece of drawing which looks like a village with african people walking around, and a Nairobi fridge magnet. Drank some nice latte in one of the cafes and had crocodile meat for dinner.

Didn't have much time to explore the city but I had enough fun in the short time frame I was given...

Drifting off...

It is 36degrees in the middle of the night in Qatar. I need to wake up in 6 hours, but I don't want to sleep... I am used to this though. I can sleep 3 hours and be able to work for more than 10 hours straight.

I have a strange feeling right now. What do you call this emptiness inside me? I cannot find that something that is supposed to make me feel complete, no matter how many people i meet and chat with all day long. I need to talk to someone, and I know the best person is myself.

What am I doing here? Am I better off somewhere else? I feel like my world has expanded beyond, but has shrank within.

I... just don't understand how I can treat another person seriously, and get nothing in return. How could I have treated you seriously, to find out that it was all a game? Why do people here not take anyone seriously anymore? I'm just so disappointed and speechless about everything.

Now I need to close my eyes and continue listening to Cold Water by Damien Rice and slowly drift off to sleep. Hopefully...

Should I go back to reality?

London, England

One day train ticket for 12 pounds and access to the whole of London, isn't it wonderful? Went from London Gatwick to London Victoria to Marble Arch (for Primark shopping, of course) to London Bridge. Great weather... Why can't they exchange their skies with Doha? Enjoyed taking pictures of birds and planes flying above the London Bridge. They are so beautiful.

Letter for myself 2

28 July 2010

11.40pm
Summer
Zurich, Switzerland

Greetings from Zurich! Today is my second day here. Wandered around town alone, taking trains and trams and slowly figuring out my way around the city. I ate a nice meal on a bench along the streets. Finally watched Sex and the City 2 (which is banned in Doha) in Capitol cinema, and sat on a table along the streets drinking a glass of Heineken and writing down whatever that comes across my mind.

I'm getting sick of travelling alone, actually. It makes me feel lonely; like I've been abandoned by the world. Yet I don't want to force myself to travel with crew who are not interesting. Does travelling have meaning when you are not sharing your wonderful experiences with your loved ones? What is the perfect way to travel? I really have no idea.

I do not feel like I belong anywhere. My home is so far away from me... I have no country. I have no home. It's like I'm floating from place to place, searching for something. Searching for my identity in this world. Sometimes I feel unreal. My life feels unreal. This is the life I dreamt of months ago, and now I'm living it. Believe me, dreams are as good as you imagined them to be. It's just that nobody warned us of the things we have to give up to live our dreams...

I am 21 years old and am totally excited about the endless possibilities of life. This will be the only time I have access to the whole world. I'll go everywhere. I'll see people rushing around everywhere in the cities and think to myself, 'why are they rushing? where are they going?'. I will just be an audience. I'll meet random people from all over the world and start thinking, 'oh right, all these people are the same, they have 2 eyes, 1 nose and 1 mouth.'

We are all the same, yet we are all so different. All the stories we have to tell, all that we experienced and all the thoughts and opinions we have. Our views of the world are made up of dfferent sceneries and characters. I really do find it interesting to meet all these different people everyday...

I now believe this saying, "the higher you go, the harder you fall". Being 35,000ft above ground is pretty high. I realised I'm slowly searching for something more. I don't wish to float all the time. I need a place I call home. Loneliness and melancholy might be nice sometimes, but not all the time.

I am determined to make Doha home, at least for now.

with ♥,
me

A letter for myself 1

6th July 2010
Summer
12am
Munich, Germany

Hey there,

I have decided to write myself a letter everytime I'm on a layover. Tonight, I am in Munich, Germany. Went into the city for the first time, and it was worth it.

Just when I was about to think that flying sucks, I realised what makes flying worth it after all. I remember the purpose of me being here. Sure, the job involves some terrible aspects; but at the end of the day, I get to travel around the world and get allowances to enjoy myself. I stay in hotels and visit the capital cities of the world. It's worth it.

Today I walked down the streets of Munich city centre. There was a cool breeze and the temperature was perfect. I bought a hotdog and a drink and sat down on the grass along with the other Germans... I bought a shot from a man who was about to get married (it is their tradition to sell quirky things to gather money for their marriage), and I drank it with them. I bought 30 euros worth clothes. I saw my passenger on the streets and they smiled and waved at me. I saw a group of musicians playing Canon in D beside the subway. There was a grand piano, a flute, a violin and 2 cellos. It was nice and moving. I took a breath of cold, fresh air and thought, 'Ah, this is life...'. This is the kind of feeling I want to feel each time. Dreamy, far away from reality.

And then I thought of you. Somehow I wished you were there to experience that wonderful feeling with me. I thought of the special time we spent together... I wish we could walk down different streets together, without talking. Just keep those feelings in our hearts and lock them away forever. Without the world, we are perfect together.

I don't feel like sleeping now. I want to sit around, smoke a cigarette and enjoy the wonderful solitude. Homesickness and loneliness are so far away from me now...

with ♥,
me.