Genting, Malaysia

I'm on my way to Genting with a bunch of friends. Right now, we are sitting in our individual seats watching movies from our personal screens. There's only about 2 hours left to this journey. It's 12 in the afternoon and the sun is shining brightly.

I've just finished watching Eat Pray Love the second time. It was the only movie that got my interest among the entire collection... After watching it all over again, I think I love it even more because this time round I took note of details that I missed out the previous time. I love the movie, the storyline, the beautiful narration and the meaning of life it tries to bring across to the audience.

It made me remember how much I love traveling and how alive it always makes me feel. I stare out of the window and see the unfamiliar trees and highways before me, and realised that I've forgot how I've told myself that I am always going to explore the world and explore life. I think I am the type of person who sits on the border of the world, who watches instead of take part in living a normal life. I refuse to conform to the traditional way of finding love and happiness.

What I want in life is fire, passion and experience - I want to love, hate, cry, laugh and LIVE.

I made such a grave mistake.

but FUCK YOU.

I'll be better off without you.

it has been hard trying to admit that i have issues with you. many years ago we used to be close, we used to spend a lot of time together talking and laughing. but still, we never had the kind of relationship that made me feel like you cared a lot and was always there for me... the things that i wanted you to care about: academically, etc, you never did and yet you were always overly concerned about my private life... you violated my privacy, made endless assumptions and said hurtful things to me...

i hope you know one day how damaging you have been... instead of giving in to the kind of effects all these have, im gonna live well, im gonna be so much better and totally different from you.

i have to stop being this depressed and bitter girl and start looking towards the future and the good things ahead. believe in myself once again and prove those who've stopped believing or giving me chances wrong.

i'll be strong!

I hate to be treated this way. Do I really deserve this?

Letter for myself

Dear Me,

I know that no matter how hard you try, you still cannot push your ego aside. You continue pretending to be happy and unaffected, but in fact you wanna push away the people who don't believe in you so bad.

You want something so badly, you know you should be having positive thoughts so that positive things can happen, but you cannot help but feel so damn terrible, lost, and afraid. You're afraid of the day when you really have to give up.

Is there something wrong with me?

Why do I not think that money is the most important thing in the world? Why do I know that secretly, deep down inside, career is nothing to me but an empty shell?

What I really want is to LIVE. To live life in an amazing way, in a way nobody have ever lived? All I want to do is to be like a HOBO, to travel around the poor countries with a backpack, do volunteer walk and sleep by the streets. All I want to do is smile and be happy and meet different people everyday. I wanna feel loneliness and emptiness so that I'm able to feel alive.

Why can't I just want the same things as everyone else?

Courage

I had a friend who once told me that she only likes and will fall in love with someone who does everything for her. The kind who, despite any obstacles, get her things done for her and treats her like a princess. I used to not understand that but now I think I do.

When a person behaves that way, it shows how much he/she cares or likes you.

However, it is also a sign of insecurity on our part, if we only choos those who are by default good to us. It shows a lack of confidence and courage. The lack of courage to fight for what you want, and instead, just settle for what you can get and what is put in front of you.

I don’t want to settle for less than what I deserve. I wanna fight for what I want but I admit - I lack the courage to put myself in the risk of being rejected.

Luck

Honestly, if I'm not there and you don't even care, I don't see why I ever mattered to you.

Anyway my life is getting better by the minute. I hope. Praying damn hard to God and hoping that he would put luck on my side. I've tried my best and all I can do now is submit a nice photo, cross my fingers and hope that I would receive that email that would change my life. PLEASE.

Hello new friends. You guys are so awesome. I look forward to our awesome friendship and this time I'll do things right. xoxo